Reader Emails!

My god, you guys are hella annoying. It's spring break! I've been much too busy getting sun burnt and shit faced to write a blog post. Plus, the distance between me and Williams has really got me in a great mood, and so I think if I came up with my own idea for a post it would be strongly influenced by my not-pissed-off-ness which never makes for an interesting read. I think the only thing that has me in a bad mood this week is the complete and brutal slaughtering of my March Madness bracket, and the reminder that I still have a midterm to do (guess that means another blog post) when I get back to school... although I'm not sure when it is or what class it's in. I'll have to get on that...

Anyway, since I have no motivation to come up with an original idea, I will shamelessly break the honor code and steal all of yours. You guys ask, and I shall deliver. Thanks for the easy out.

Hi,

Love the blog. Please make a post about how shitty Taylor Swift is and ask why so many dumb bitches love her. I'm especially upset that I'm subjected to listen to this hell music on weekday mornings at Goodrich thanks to a certain former CC co-president.

Thanks.

Whoa. Whoa whoa whoa. What a cold-hearted bastard, not loving Taylor Swift's obviously heartfelt and original songs. Just kidding, I hate Taylor Swift as much as any self respecting music lover should. Now, I'm not just some obnoxious cunt who hates popular culture just because it's popular, but Taylor Swift just reminds me of a female blonde breathless version of Groundhog Day. Bitch has been nominated for like hundreds of awards and has won most of them- why is it still such a surprise every time she wins? Cut it out, TSwift, you aren't fooling anyone.

Look, it must be great to have so many trophies before you can legally drink,  but just because your song is called "Breathless," doesn't mean you have to be.

Her lyrics! Are! Awful! Some might call them fairy tales, but in order for these ear-rapes to be considered stories, they would have to have some inkling of a plot. Nothing happens, just that there is a dreamy boy that she sees, imagines an entire life with, and then she announces her love for him. Insert something about rain storms, being a princess, Romeo, and kissing. Interesting insights, Taylor. Not. Your music is vapid, shallow, and totally empty. Even worse than being infuriated by your songs (like I am with Katy Perry), I am totally bored by yours.

Then there's the way she looks. I hate to do this, but HONESTLY this bitch satisfies every culturally received notion of youthful beauty while still seeming, somehow, approachable, unthreatening, easy to take. She is blonde, and thin, and her hair looks like the yellow crayon spirals you drew coming out of a mermaid’s head when you were five. She’s a Disney princess in a way Disney princesses haven’t looked since political correctness happened. All of this only serves to underscore her role as the girl-next-door-cum-prom-queen par excellence, despite her lyrics’ insistance that she’s an outcast who “wears t-shirts” and jealously watches cheerleaders “from the bleachers.” Also, does anyone besides me find it weird that she can't seem to keep a single boyfriend despite being a total fox? She must either be a raging bitch, or absolutely bat-shit crazy in the sack. I mean, she has to have an imperfection, right? RIGHT?! God.

Oh, and I'm not touching this CC co-president shit with a ten foot pole.

Miss Piggy,
Get a life. You are a fat loser with nothing else to do but bring other people who are funnier, nicer, and prettier than you down in an ANONYMOUS blog. Pandora is a shitty name and you're just not funny.

Valid point. But please stop reading my blog, seriously, you're a bigger pain in the ass than I am.

Do an expose on how no girls at Williams give head? or put out at all? I’m sure you have some insight.
- Blue Balls in Bronfman

Before I answer this thought-provoking question, I just want to express my surprise in having a male reader. Holy shit. AND he came up with a creative signature. Anyway...

Really? NO girls here give head? This must be scientifically relevant. Maybe there's something in the water, Blue Balls, or maybe you're a total prick that no one wants in or around their mouth. As I understand it, most men on this campus can't help but tell all their friends about their 'conquests.' How about you try keeping your mouth shut about the girl(s) who have accepted the invitation to your shit-hole room, and they'll try keeping their mouths open. It's either that, or you should consider showering more. Asshole.

Along similar lines...

Dear Pandora,
I have an idea for you: have you ever realized how at the bar or at parties girls dumb themselves down? They completely change the way they act so that the guys here are more interested in them. It's like the men at Williams are intimidated by our intellegence. You seem like a pretty empowered female, so you must have an opinion on this.
Keep Posting!

I have an idea for you also. Have you ever realized how people who are at the bar or out at parties, male or female, are often very drunk? Also, according to Blue Balls up there, no one is getting any action, so every one at Williams is basically in heat. Put a bunch of drunk, horny people in a room together and what do you get? Stupidity. It's a fact of life. Girls flirt by laughing at jokes when they aren't funny and blinking their eyes like they have some kind of eyelid epilepsy. Guys flirt by acting like assholes with a severe superiority complex. It's not something that is confined to Williams, this is the way human beings act. Actually, not even only humans... No one is totally themselves when they're around a potential mate. I've watched Planet Earth, I know that lyrebirds puff their feathers around and imitate other animals' sounds in order to attract a babe.

I was high as balls when I saw that episode, so I thought maybe this bird would not be as freaky as I remembered. But he is. Holy shit. I love Planet Earth.

I digress. I'm sorry that other, drunker girls who are more knowledgable of flirting get to leave with the guy you've been eyeing for the last three months in your History of Science class (god damn he was so dreamy). But take solace in the fact that either she won't put out and he'll resent her, or she will and he'll tell everyone on campus about it.

Oh, and you spelled intelligence wrong.

Summary: hooking up at Williams sucks. Deal with it, or transfer.

Okay, I've covered four emails. That's pretty good. Maybe inspiration will strike me before I come back to campus and you'll get another post before Monday. But that seems unlikely. I'm going to go eat a bowl of coco puffs and sun bathe.

See ya, assholes.
Pandora

But, Seriously...

This. Is. Good.

I'm just saying. I'm getting some pretty fantastic reader emails today. I hope you're all living up to your full potential. Again, this is going to be a short and lonely post, but I just want to make sure that everyone is doing everything they can to make the best of today (how kind and thoughtful of me).

Today, I yelled at a tour group. I don't regret it. Mainly, I yelled something that sounded like "SHSAPPY ST SHRATRICKS DAYY!!!!" but I hope they got the true meaning behind my words. Which was something along the lines of "Don't come here if you like to party!"

Love,

Pandora

p.s. I'm in class  right now. COME ON.

Imperative: PLEASE READ [PSA]

It's noon, Williams College. Do you know where your Guinness is?

Everything is the Worst!

I have totally failed you all. Completely. I should have a new post for you by now but to be honest I've been too busy partying. For what, you may ask??? To this question I may be able to provide some insight.

• I do not need a reason. I am in my 20's. In college... I still have my youth and my health and I'm surrounded by people I can really tolerate. Why would I need any other fucking reason to celebrate?
• It's not Friday. Thank fucking Christ. (sorry Jesus!)
• Due to some rousing excitement on the comment section recently, my total view-count has skyrocketed! IT'S GREAT! Although, I will keep begging you all... If you wanna pick a bone with me, then great. Just do it on WSO, it's the only way I can get famous. There is a fucking post on Wolrd of Warcraft, and nothing about me. Shameful.
• It's.... SAINT PATRICK'S DAY! 

That's right! My favorite holiday! Black? Asian? Croatian? Well... You're mother-fucking Irish today. I use this amazing holiday to excuse 24 hours of binge drinking because of my 'heritage.' What has my culture taught me? Well... There was a famine, Guinness, spousal abuse, and alcoholism. And that I should wear green, demand kisses from strangers, and get outrageously drunk All. Damn. Day. Warning: I may slip into what I think is an "Irish accent" at any point in the day... I will just end up sounding like an Indian, though.

Along similar lines, I received a reader email requesting that I rag on: the '11s for being so lazy and giving up because all they do is pre-game the bar and there, like, isn't even a bar culture at Williams! Well, I will do no such thing. I enjoy the hell out of the class of '11, and of course they pregame the bar... Why pay seven bucks a drink when you can just rip Popoff in your kitchen before standing awkwardly close to people you kind-of- but-not-really know in a hot, noisy, smelly, and extremely lit room?

But I have been pretty underwhelmed with the acceptance of day drinking here, along with the taboo of partying on nights that aren't Friday or Saturday. Sorry, if it ends in "day," that's good enough for me. Like, we're a fucking college for god's sake! I feel like none of you have seen Old School, and it breaks my heart. So, I demand that everyone gets belligerent tomorrow. If you have a midterm tomorrow, just take a couple shots of Jameson. Plus, it feels so much warmer when you're drunk. I know of several things happening around campus: a capella shows, Dodd stuff, something at Meadow (if there wasn't before... there will be now), plus like actual fun stuff at the bars, me in the basement of some empty building playing beruit until 4 in the morning then falling asleep in a bush on the way home, or you could host your own party! Either way- I'll be THIS close to disowning you all if I see more than 30% of campus sober by 3 PM. Please do me proud.

Anyway, this is the only post I have for you since I'm pretty fucked up already and am impressed I've made it this far. I hope I don't wake up tomorrow and re-read this post and realize I was speaking Spanish for half of it, and elfish for the other. God damn it, that would be really embarrassing.

Blah, blah, blah. Drink.
pAndoar!!!!1 OMG lol

Let's see if maybe we could be less cerebral in the comments (wanna argue about first amendment rights and god-complexes? go to WSO! srsly). In honor of the best day of the year, post your favorite drinking game/thing to do when drunk/drink/drinking story, etc. you get it. Just give it a shot, people. (See what I did there?)

Could it be?

You've said it yourselves... I must be a total loser. But let's play a hypothetical game. If the girl in this video was me... you'd take it all back, wouldn't you?

Sorry if I'm responsible for lowering your final grade by an entire letter...

Surprise, surprise. You idiots actually listened to me and sent in some great emails and left some truly heart-warming comments (to answer all of your questions: yes, I'm atrociously ugly and fat. How'd you guess?) Except for the dick who just left "funny." Like, actually? Are you serious? What have you accomplished with that? "Funny" as a blog comment is about as effective as texting "ok." Although I guess I should be grateful you broke the commenting ice... but I'm not, I'm pissed. Sorry, not sorry.

ANYway, I'm trying to decide between posting about rich-guy look, or to try to take it in a new and less "waspy" (commenter's words, not mine) direction and talk about the underprivileged yet 'cultured' population here. I'm leaning towards the second (sorry boys, your step-by-step guide to brotastic douchery might just have to be postponed) but I'll consider changing my mind if the first is what my public demands. Slash... if you have any insight into how rich guys manage to look rich while wearing shit from a thrift store.

In the mean time, I know you're all looking for anything to do that doesn't involve actual intellectual stimulus, so I figured I'd post a little procrastination-friendly entry filled with links to all sorts of useless crap I find entertaining. Feel free to leave other links in the comments for your fellow lazy-ass students to enjoy. Just make sure they're funny or I'll moderate the fuck out of them.

I'll start off with this gem, which is absolutely BLOWING UP across campuses in the North East... Personally, it makes me want to gouge out my own eyes and ears with a rusty spoon, but I feel like a lot of you might dig it. Just don't start playing this shit at parties or I swear to holy God I will destroy you.

Why this guy isn't employed by the Discovery Channel yet is beyond me. I would watch absolutely anything he narrated. Especially the idea that I keep emailing them about: a crossover of Jersey Shore and Shark Week.

Baby puppies and duckies. What else do I have to say?

reasons why this video is great:
1. Die Antwoord does the song. I thought I was the only person in the world who loved them, guess not. Fucking weirdos. If you're unfamiliar with their music... peep it here
2. I like how he filled the soda bottles up with water. But if he drank all that soda first... that's fucked up.
3. Full ninja costume/possible bullet proof vest
4. I’ve seen a lot of ninjas in my day and he is hands down the best ninja of all time. Even when all he does is knock something over, he doesn’t give up, he gets his fucking sword out and stabs the shit out of it. It’s unconventional for a ninja, he must have westernized himself because that’s how we do it here in America. We stab the shit out of things, it’s more effective.
5. After he shot this video, his mom probably yelled "God Damnit Carter, get in here! Your pizza rolls are getting cold!"
6. Pizza Rolls!!! So fucking good.

This might reveal my identity, but I feel so passionately about it that I don't care... I have an undying obsession with octopuses. I think they are the greatest things on the planet. They haven't evolved at all over tens of billions of years* because they were made absolutely perfectly (plus, why evolve when you could just do this?) Just LOOK AT THIS SHIT. Unbelievable.

I'm realizing all my links are animal related. Last one- I promise. I didn't think this was too funny until they zoomed in on the parrots face. Cue me laughing out loud in Sawyer and making a total dick of myself. I hope to hear about this being turned into an actual sex move involving lightly smacking alternating cheeks (face or other... you decide) and beaming like a fucking idiot.

Roommate being a total fucking waste of existence? Get some great ideas for letting them in on your true feelings with this website.

I’m sick and tired of these motherfucking penguins, on this motherfucking plane. Just kidding, that phrase doesn’t really apply here, everybody loves penguins, and everybody loves Southwest. But, seriously, why does shit like this NEVER happen to me?

Rascist bitch gets pwnd. My god, I love funny Asians. Although, Collegehumor has shown us and I sooo whole heartedly agree that "Japan's way of demonstrating mass civil unrest is a lot less impressive than Egypt's."

I’m no expert on casting people for reality television shows or anything, but I’m pretty sure in order to be on the Biggest Loser, you only need the following qualifications: have a face, speak English, be fat as fuck. Any sort of personality is just an added bonus, so there’s no way this guy can’t get on the show.

Uh, terrified baby. Hilarious.

Ok, I'm bored. Email me stuff and keep commenting (I think I'll do a reader's email post soon, some of this shit is goooood. Well, I mean, it's ok, but I'm trying to be encouraging here). I'll try to be more offensive next post so I can finally make it to stardom and WSO!

Yours,
Pandora xoxoxx

*No study cited. Please, I might go to Williams but I'm not going to go all crazy-WSO-poster on your ass and pull out some study conducted by Smart&Douchey Inc. to support my claims. I'm just right, deal with it.

Neigh! Neigh!

Well, holy shit. When I went to sleep last night (at an ungodly hour, thank you two books I was supposed to have read by the end of February) Crammys had a measly 23 views. And today? Lo and behold... it's well beyond 600. Which is total bullshit by real-life blog standards, but pretty impressive for Williams. So I felt compelled to strike again while the iron is hot, so to say, even though I'm pretty sure the only reason I'm getting views is because you're all lazy fuckers looking for any excuse to put off your homework. Maybe I shouldn't insult my readers, but I was also told that I shouldn't go see Avatar high, and look where that got me (absolutely nowhere).

Although apparently a quarter of the campus has at least clicked a link that led them here, none of you have commented OR emailed me telling me that I'm a raging bitch which either means one of two things: a) you're all pussies or 2) I'm not being outrageous enough. I'll know I really made it once someone posts something on WSO calling for the immediate suspension of my blog. In the mean time...

It would be uncreative and boring of me to rag on the depressingly low number of attractive men and women on campus. Williams does have the infamous binary system, where instead of rating members of the opposite (or same- whatever you're into) sex on a 1-10 range, we consider a broader and more forgiving system of "would" or "wouldn't." Sure, maybe that's impressively pathetic, but I'd say it's better than the system this douche used (aren't you glad we abolished the Greek system?).

Now, I'm not a man, so I can only speculate on what they do to make up for this lack of beauty (which I will do soon enough, keep your panties on), but I can tell you for certain how girls make up for their unfortunate genetic disposition to "wouldn't"-status. They dress rich. Bitches all over campus be dressing rich, from actual I-fly-into-Pittsfield-Municipal-on-my-jet bitches, to I-don't-actually-know-what-the-fuck-a-Barbour-coat-is-but-I-pretend-to-know-anyway bitches.

This is a Barbour coat. Why anyone would pay upwards of three hundy for these ugly suckers honestly blows my feeble little mind out of the god damn water. Pretty sure I had a coat just like this in third grade and I purposely ripped a hole in it so I could get a new one from the Limited Too. Plus, peep the hat! Called it.

I think I've done enough clothing commenting for one week at least, so I'll try to focus on the other aspects of "dressing rich."  The most important thing to remember if you're trying to pull this look off is your hair. Go get a couple bottles of Mane N Tail shampoo and conditioner. Wash daily, use 2-3 handfuls of conditioner per shower, brush while still soaking wet (so when it's drying in Paresky, it looks like your hair is naturally detangled always), and shell out for trims every other week to avoid split ends.  Subtly change the color either with highlights or a semi-permanent gloss, but make sure to cover up your roots. Nothing more poor looking than a little light brown peeking out from a slightly darker brown head. Wear this hair in a side-part (side-swept bangs optional) either straight or in a loose wave. If you're doing this right, your hair should look like a horse's tail.

Cocking your head in photos makes your hair look even longer!

Spotted: rich guy hair. And pillars for a front door...?

If you're trying out the rich-girl persona, now would be a good time to say something about your equestrian experience back home. Wear riding boots and pants to reiterate.

Unfortunately, I can't really hate on rich girl hair too much as I envy it with all of my split-end roots-showing mess of hair. But hair is only one facet of the rich look. Another great way to say "I have money, and I spend it" is the use of understated yet outrageously expensive jewelry.  Think tennis bracelet, pearl studs, and a silver Tiffany's pendant. Never vary this jewelry routine. Wear to the gym, while you shower, to your graduation, 100 days, and obviously to sleep.  If you're feeling especially fancy, maybe throw on a ring or switch out your pearls for some diamond studs (it's ok not-actually-rich girls, CZs will work just fine).

Other ways to spot a girl using the "rich-up" technique to increase her desirability:
Drinks: SmartWater and the occasional Mike's Hard (Light!)
Listens to: OneRepublic and Coldplay while in private, but blasts Ke$ha and "You know... my favorite rap artist! oooh I feel like such an idiot I forget his name..." while in the car.
Eats: Sometimes. "I would come to '82 but I just looked at a bagel!"
Located: Anywhere she can be seen. Popular destinations include Tunnel City, estrogym ellipticals, and Schow (Atrium)
Hobbies: Backhandedly complimenting her friends, Facebook stalking her high-school crush, long walks in wellies, vogue 

I'm like totally exhausted. I'll post some rich-dude tips for my male readers in a bit. In the mean time.... fucking email me, assholes. And comment. OR complain on WSO. I want to be famous.

Your Bitch Always <33333
Pandora

It's Not Sunny in Sawyer

It's midterms time again... that beautiful time of the year when the snow is dirty, the ground is muddy, and the sun shines for about twenty minutes a day. Obviously, our kind and thoughtful professors realize that we need something uplifting during this otherwise bleak fortnight. So, to top it all off, we get the sleep-deprived, panic inducing, friendship destroying, stress eating clusterfuck that IS midterms.

Probably, yes, I could complain about how much work I've been assigned in the insanely small amount of time between now and Spring Break, but to be completely honest I'm a little fucking sick of hearing from literally every person I have spoken to that O.M.G. they have this essay due in only six hours (um, six hours is plenty of time for 10 pages you lazy son of a bitch) and "Ha ha oh my goodness, why on Earth did we go to WILLIAMS?! Ha ha ha!" Oh, maybe because it's the fucking number one school in the country. I knew what I was getting into, you knew what you were getting into, so shut the fuck up and bend over and accept it like a champ.

Sawyer and Schow really are sorry sights to behold this time of year. Completely packed from noon till the nerd bell chimes. I swear, I'm not sure how people can stand to spend more than two or three hours there at a time without going clinically bat-shit crazy. At least Schow has high ceilings that give the illusion that there might be hope in this world after all, but Sawyer is a poorly lit and horribly decorated version of prison. I remember on my tour of Williams my tour guide pointed out the monkey carrels, saying that they were an "extremely popular" place on campus. Well, I'm sorry I don't feel like studying in a solitary confinement cell with a single fluorescent light that illuminates the desperate graffiti of those who came before me while I sit on a decrepit foam bench.

Regardless of its oppressive nature, the library is still a public place on campus. So it blows my mind to see the state that some people are in when they are studying there. Although the bizarre fashion choices I've seen at Williams are certainly not limited to the library. A typical outfit for a female eph can consist of either yoga pants or leggings, black of course, a long-sleeved shirt from some high school club, a puffy vest (because their tits need to stay warm? I've never fucking understood vests...), running shoes that have obviously never been worn for any exercise besides random guilt induced three-hour bouts on the elliptical, and to top it all off... the big fat cherry on top of this hot-mess sundae:

Because when I think of Williams, I think of flowers and the number 93. That makes sense.

The shapeless, canvas, pastel baseball hat that is literally never worn in support of a sports team. Mostly, these ugly pieces of shit display the title of their dad's company that hosted some horrible alumni picnic and handed out free pens and cheaply made hats. Oh, your dad works for Goldman-Sachs and got you that sweet baby blue hat? I'm sure he had to have real athletic prowess in order to go into finance! So, baseball hats make total sense for them to make! Or even better- hats that display some waspy brand. Do they make a Hunter Boots canvas hat? Longchamp? Hermes? How do I even fucking say that name? I always feel like a total moron but I took Spanish in high school and I speak English and we pronounce our consonants here. Don't worry about what your hair looks like under this hat since the people who wear them never take them off. Like, seriously, it's not windy at Tunnel City and the sun isn't blinding you in Sawyer, so take your fucking baseball hat off because you're indoors and it makes no sense to be wearing such athletic clothing with your pearls on while you drink coffee. If you try to work out after you drink that you're probably going to shit yourself... Just saying. Either way you look like crap.

But it's ok! If you're feeling dapper you can always throw on a scarf to really spice up your look.

Now we're fancy.

The weirdest part about this outfit is that often guys who are hooking up with these girls will literally be wearing the same thing, except their pants are athletic sweatpants (gray, most of the time) and their hats are backwards and often for a legitimate sports team. I've also never personally seen any guy, straight or gay, at Williams wearing one of the typical fringed scarves, and I honestly hope it stays that way. [EDIT: Just walked through Paresky and was proven wrong. God damnit, Williams] I know that sometimes people will mirror the actions of the person they are interested in, but everyone here is already so similar that it seems a little incestuous that we dress alike as well.

Now, I know that not EVERYONE at Williams wears this outfit, but everyone here DOES look like shit during midterms. Not that I can blame anyone, I mean I feel like crap so why not just fuck it all and dress in clothes that I would regularly wear only if I had the flu or was hiking? Here is the answer: because even though it is midterms and you feel like shit, people can still see you. So maybe don't wear eyeliner and your best Vineyard Vines belt to pound out three essays in Schow, but at least pretend to try every once in a while. Seriously, it can put you in a better mood if you know that even though you very easily could be failing Chemistry, you look damn good.

Got a problem with me? Pissed I used a picture of you without asking? (Don't put it up on facebook, then...) Have an idea for something I should write about? email me at crammystips@gmail.com

Releasing all hell since 2011,
Pandora