Reader Emails!

My god, you guys are hella annoying. It's spring break! I've been much too busy getting sun burnt and shit faced to write a blog post. Plus, the distance between me and Williams has really got me in a great mood, and so I think if I came up with my own idea for a post it would be strongly influenced by my not-pissed-off-ness which never makes for an interesting read. I think the only thing that has me in a bad mood this week is the complete and brutal slaughtering of my March Madness bracket, and the reminder that I still have a midterm to do (guess that means another blog post) when I get back to school... although I'm not sure when it is or what class it's in. I'll have to get on that...

Anyway, since I have no motivation to come up with an original idea, I will shamelessly break the honor code and steal all of yours. You guys ask, and I shall deliver. Thanks for the easy out.

Hi,

Love the blog. Please make a post about how shitty Taylor Swift is and ask why so many dumb bitches love her. I'm especially upset that I'm subjected to listen to this hell music on weekday mornings at Goodrich thanks to a certain former CC co-president.

Thanks.

Whoa. Whoa whoa whoa. What a cold-hearted bastard, not loving Taylor Swift's obviously heartfelt and original songs. Just kidding, I hate Taylor Swift as much as any self respecting music lover should. Now, I'm not just some obnoxious cunt who hates popular culture just because it's popular, but Taylor Swift just reminds me of a female blonde breathless version of Groundhog Day. Bitch has been nominated for like hundreds of awards and has won most of them- why is it still such a surprise every time she wins? Cut it out, TSwift, you aren't fooling anyone.

Look, it must be great to have so many trophies before you can legally drink,  but just because your song is called "Breathless," doesn't mean you have to be.

Her lyrics! Are! Awful! Some might call them fairy tales, but in order for these ear-rapes to be considered stories, they would have to have some inkling of a plot. Nothing happens, just that there is a dreamy boy that she sees, imagines an entire life with, and then she announces her love for him. Insert something about rain storms, being a princess, Romeo, and kissing. Interesting insights, Taylor. Not. Your music is vapid, shallow, and totally empty. Even worse than being infuriated by your songs (like I am with Katy Perry), I am totally bored by yours.

Then there's the way she looks. I hate to do this, but HONESTLY this bitch satisfies every culturally received notion of youthful beauty while still seeming, somehow, approachable, unthreatening, easy to take. She is blonde, and thin, and her hair looks like the yellow crayon spirals you drew coming out of a mermaid’s head when you were five. She’s a Disney princess in a way Disney princesses haven’t looked since political correctness happened. All of this only serves to underscore her role as the girl-next-door-cum-prom-queen par excellence, despite her lyrics’ insistance that she’s an outcast who “wears t-shirts” and jealously watches cheerleaders “from the bleachers.” Also, does anyone besides me find it weird that she can't seem to keep a single boyfriend despite being a total fox? She must either be a raging bitch, or absolutely bat-shit crazy in the sack. I mean, she has to have an imperfection, right? RIGHT?! God.

Oh, and I'm not touching this CC co-president shit with a ten foot pole.

Miss Piggy,
Get a life. You are a fat loser with nothing else to do but bring other people who are funnier, nicer, and prettier than you down in an ANONYMOUS blog. Pandora is a shitty name and you're just not funny.

Valid point. But please stop reading my blog, seriously, you're a bigger pain in the ass than I am.

Do an expose on how no girls at Williams give head? or put out at all? I’m sure you have some insight.
- Blue Balls in Bronfman

Before I answer this thought-provoking question, I just want to express my surprise in having a male reader. Holy shit. AND he came up with a creative signature. Anyway...

Really? NO girls here give head? This must be scientifically relevant. Maybe there's something in the water, Blue Balls, or maybe you're a total prick that no one wants in or around their mouth. As I understand it, most men on this campus can't help but tell all their friends about their 'conquests.' How about you try keeping your mouth shut about the girl(s) who have accepted the invitation to your shit-hole room, and they'll try keeping their mouths open. It's either that, or you should consider showering more. Asshole.

Along similar lines...

Dear Pandora,
I have an idea for you: have you ever realized how at the bar or at parties girls dumb themselves down? They completely change the way they act so that the guys here are more interested in them. It's like the men at Williams are intimidated by our intellegence. You seem like a pretty empowered female, so you must have an opinion on this.
Keep Posting!

I have an idea for you also. Have you ever realized how people who are at the bar or out at parties, male or female, are often very drunk? Also, according to Blue Balls up there, no one is getting any action, so every one at Williams is basically in heat. Put a bunch of drunk, horny people in a room together and what do you get? Stupidity. It's a fact of life. Girls flirt by laughing at jokes when they aren't funny and blinking their eyes like they have some kind of eyelid epilepsy. Guys flirt by acting like assholes with a severe superiority complex. It's not something that is confined to Williams, this is the way human beings act. Actually, not even only humans... No one is totally themselves when they're around a potential mate. I've watched Planet Earth, I know that lyrebirds puff their feathers around and imitate other animals' sounds in order to attract a babe.

I was high as balls when I saw that episode, so I thought maybe this bird would not be as freaky as I remembered. But he is. Holy shit. I love Planet Earth.

I digress. I'm sorry that other, drunker girls who are more knowledgable of flirting get to leave with the guy you've been eyeing for the last three months in your History of Science class (god damn he was so dreamy). But take solace in the fact that either she won't put out and he'll resent her, or she will and he'll tell everyone on campus about it.

Oh, and you spelled intelligence wrong.

Summary: hooking up at Williams sucks. Deal with it, or transfer.

Okay, I've covered four emails. That's pretty good. Maybe inspiration will strike me before I come back to campus and you'll get another post before Monday. But that seems unlikely. I'm going to go eat a bowl of coco puffs and sun bathe.

See ya, assholes.
Pandora