Tuesday, March 15

Neigh! Neigh!

Well, holy shit. When I went to sleep last night (at an ungodly hour, thank you two books I was supposed to have read by the end of February) Crammys had a measly 23 views. And today? Lo and behold... it's well beyond 600. Which is total bullshit by real-life blog standards, but pretty impressive for Williams. So I felt compelled to strike again while the iron is hot, so to say, even though I'm pretty sure the only reason I'm getting views is because you're all lazy fuckers looking for any excuse to put off your homework. Maybe I shouldn't insult my readers, but I was also told that I shouldn't go see Avatar high, and look where that got me (absolutely nowhere).

Although apparently a quarter of the campus has at least clicked a link that led them here, none of you have commented OR emailed me telling me that I'm a raging bitch which either means one of two things: a) you're all pussies or 2) I'm not being outrageous enough. I'll know I really made it once someone posts something on WSO calling for the immediate suspension of my blog. In the mean time...

It would be uncreative and boring of me to rag on the depressingly low number of attractive men and women on campus. Williams does have the infamous binary system, where instead of rating members of the opposite (or same- whatever you're into) sex on a 1-10 range, we consider a broader and more forgiving system of "would" or "wouldn't." Sure, maybe that's impressively pathetic, but I'd say it's better than the system this douche used (aren't you glad we abolished the Greek system?).

Now, I'm not a man, so I can only speculate on what they do to make up for this lack of beauty (which I will do soon enough, keep your panties on), but I can tell you for certain how girls make up for their unfortunate genetic disposition to "wouldn't"-status. They dress rich. Bitches all over campus be dressing rich, from actual I-fly-into-Pittsfield-Municipal-on-my-jet bitches, to I-don't-actually-know-what-the-fuck-a-Barbour-coat-is-but-I-pretend-to-know-anyway bitches.

This is a Barbour coat. Why anyone would pay upwards of three hundy for these ugly suckers honestly blows my feeble little mind out of the god damn water. Pretty sure I had a coat just like this in third grade and I purposely ripped a hole in it so I could get a new one from the Limited Too. Plus, peep the hat! Called it.



I think I've done enough clothing commenting for one week at least, so I'll try to focus on the other aspects of "dressing rich."  The most important thing to remember if you're trying to pull this look off is your hair. Go get a couple bottles of Mane N Tail shampoo and conditioner. Wash daily, use 2-3 handfuls of conditioner per shower, brush while still soaking wet (so when it's drying in Paresky, it looks like your hair is naturally detangled always), and shell out for trims every other week to avoid split ends.  Subtly change the color either with highlights or a semi-permanent gloss, but make sure to cover up your roots. Nothing more poor looking than a little light brown peeking out from a slightly darker brown head. Wear this hair in a side-part (side-swept bangs optional) either straight or in a loose wave. If you're doing this right, your hair should look like a horse's tail.

Cocking your head in photos makes your hair look even longer!
Spotted: rich guy hair. And pillars for a front door...?


If you're trying out the rich-girl persona, now would be a good time to say something about your equestrian experience back home. Wear riding boots and pants to reiterate.
Unfortunately, I can't really hate on rich girl hair too much as I envy it with all of my split-end roots-showing mess of hair. But hair is only one facet of the rich look. Another great way to say "I have money, and I spend it" is the use of understated yet outrageously expensive jewelry.  Think tennis bracelet, pearl studs, and a silver Tiffany's pendant. Never vary this jewelry routine. Wear to the gym, while you shower, to your graduation, 100 days, and obviously to sleep.  If you're feeling especially fancy, maybe throw on a ring or switch out your pearls for some diamond studs (it's ok not-actually-rich girls, CZs will work just fine).

Other ways to spot a girl using the "rich-up" technique to increase her desirability:
Drinks: SmartWater and the occasional Mike's Hard (Light!)
Listens to: OneRepublic and Coldplay while in private, but blasts Ke$ha and "You know... my favorite rap artist! oooh I feel like such an idiot I forget his name..." while in the car.
Eats: Sometimes. "I would come to '82 but I just looked at a bagel!"
Located: Anywhere she can be seen. Popular destinations include Tunnel City, estrogym ellipticals, and Schow (Atrium)
Hobbies: Backhandedly complimenting her friends, Facebook stalking her high-school crush, long walks in wellies, vogue 

I'm like totally exhausted. I'll post some rich-dude tips for my male readers in a bit. In the mean time.... fucking email me, assholes. And comment. OR complain on WSO. I want to be famous.

Your Bitch Always <33333
Pandora

26 comments:

  1. Wow... using pictures now... gutsy, but i like it

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  2. write more. this is procrastination at its best. we are waiting.

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  3. Can we pleeeease be friends????

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  4. This is fucking hilarious. But don't you think that stereotyping the entire white wasp boarding school population of Williams is the same as stereotyping any other socioeconomic/racial group? Do you plan to do the latter as well?

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  5. Sure, if it doesn't get me expelled.

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  6. hahahahaha, as someone familiar with the female in the first picture, you could NOT have picked a better person to exemplify someone who goes so out of their way to cultivate a rich girl image; you really called it too perfectly. you're brilliant and should never ever stop writing this blog.

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  7. post more this is awesome!

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  8. Just to be fair...the guy with "rich guy hair" doesn't actually go to Williams (his sister, the girl on the left, does).

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  9. Pandora? Wouldn't!March 16, 2011 at 2:41 PM

    How heinously ugly are you? I think your blog is funny and accurate, but I can't help but think that you are some nasty fat chick covered in acne with really gross hair. SO PLEASE INFORM YOUR READERS!!!! I AM SO INTERESTED!!!!!!!!!!!! And plus if you are really ugly then you definitely won't get expelled for any of this, because the school will probably just feel bad that you are in fact heinous. SO keep hatiN GURRRRRLLLLLL!!!!

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  10. You're sort of pathetic. As in pitiable.

    As if there wasn't enough hatred in this world because of stupid shit already.

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  11. I applaud this. Sounds like some people can't handle when a mirror is put up in front of them.

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  12. Please comment on white girl dreads

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  13. Sorry I'm not sorry for rocking trappings of affluence... I'm affluent.

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  14. Hey miss piggy (Pandora) why would you post a picture making fun of one of your friends?

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  15. I like Williams. Shoot me.March 16, 2011 at 10:37 PM

    Why bother? Just wondering.
    This seems like a lot of effort to go through just to make people upset or (the old cliche) "make you feel better about yourself"...guess it's a cliche for a reason.
    But due to the fact you are likely to shit on me for exposing your insecurities, or your god-complex, I would like to leave you with more than that. You could shorten some of these passages. Pithier is better. Or wait, this blog is actually self aware that it is a waste of time. So, if you follow my logic: keep doing what your doing. It's helping you and most secure people shouldn't really care what an anonymous online source has to say about them. People who waste their time bashing you are equally as insecure.

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  16. Calm yourselves, this isn't juicy campus.March 17, 2011 at 12:14 AM

    I'm pretty confident she's just finding her own way to procrastinate, and some solid non-denominational "hatin" (although I wouldn't call it that, considering it's pretty much just observations and some pithy commentary that no one should ever take personally unless they wanted to lead a real bummer of a life) is her way of helping herself and others accomplish that. I say get some giggles out of it and chill the fuck out.

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  17. AMY DARLING, yeah I said it.March 17, 2011 at 12:45 AM

    Everyone. This is Amy Darling. I just wanted to say that there is an entire subject dedicated to me on that stupid fucking juicy campus knockoff site, that discusses whether I'm hot, annoying as fuck, or a 14-year-old in disguise. And look at me. I'm fine. I didn't post 20 aggressive "go kill yourself in these Williams-themed ways" (yeah I saw that, go-throw-yourself-off-Thompson girl) messages in the comments section. I didn't even bother hypothesizing about who the people posting (to be fair) kind of funny shit about me were. Honestly, even if I knew who wrote any of those things, I would probably learn to get over it within about 10 seconds, max. I'm going to go out on a very secure limb and say that this is a very harmless blog, and if you don't like what you read, stop reading and brush it off. You're making an ass out of yourself by getting worked up over something that's not even targeting specific people, nor any group in any truly malicious way. So grow some motherfucking balls and learn to take a joke.

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  18. this blog is so racist

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  19. This is HILARIOUS. I CANNOT DEAL. THANK YOU FOR SAYING WHAT WE'VE ALL BEEN THINKING. It's not racist, btw, to whoever said that. Causation vs correlation...think about it

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  20. recent alums (self included) are loving this. keep it up.

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  21. Why focus on WASPs? Because they are everywhere. However, I guess I would be interested in hearing your opinions on our "diverse" student body. annndd... GO!

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