Neigh! Neigh!

Well, holy shit. When I went to sleep last night (at an ungodly hour, thank you two books I was supposed to have read by the end of February) Crammys had a measly 23 views. And today? Lo and behold... it's well beyond 600. Which is total bullshit by real-life blog standards, but pretty impressive for Williams. So I felt compelled to strike again while the iron is hot, so to say, even though I'm pretty sure the only reason I'm getting views is because you're all lazy fuckers looking for any excuse to put off your homework. Maybe I shouldn't insult my readers, but I was also told that I shouldn't go see Avatar high, and look where that got me (absolutely nowhere).

Although apparently a quarter of the campus has at least clicked a link that led them here, none of you have commented OR emailed me telling me that I'm a raging bitch which either means one of two things: a) you're all pussies or 2) I'm not being outrageous enough. I'll know I really made it once someone posts something on WSO calling for the immediate suspension of my blog. In the mean time...

It would be uncreative and boring of me to rag on the depressingly low number of attractive men and women on campus. Williams does have the infamous binary system, where instead of rating members of the opposite (or same- whatever you're into) sex on a 1-10 range, we consider a broader and more forgiving system of "would" or "wouldn't." Sure, maybe that's impressively pathetic, but I'd say it's better than the system this douche used (aren't you glad we abolished the Greek system?).

Now, I'm not a man, so I can only speculate on what they do to make up for this lack of beauty (which I will do soon enough, keep your panties on), but I can tell you for certain how girls make up for their unfortunate genetic disposition to "wouldn't"-status. They dress rich. Bitches all over campus be dressing rich, from actual I-fly-into-Pittsfield-Municipal-on-my-jet bitches, to I-don't-actually-know-what-the-fuck-a-Barbour-coat-is-but-I-pretend-to-know-anyway bitches.

This is a Barbour coat. Why anyone would pay upwards of three hundy for these ugly suckers honestly blows my feeble little mind out of the god damn water. Pretty sure I had a coat just like this in third grade and I purposely ripped a hole in it so I could get a new one from the Limited Too. Plus, peep the hat! Called it.

I think I've done enough clothing commenting for one week at least, so I'll try to focus on the other aspects of "dressing rich."  The most important thing to remember if you're trying to pull this look off is your hair. Go get a couple bottles of Mane N Tail shampoo and conditioner. Wash daily, use 2-3 handfuls of conditioner per shower, brush while still soaking wet (so when it's drying in Paresky, it looks like your hair is naturally detangled always), and shell out for trims every other week to avoid split ends.  Subtly change the color either with highlights or a semi-permanent gloss, but make sure to cover up your roots. Nothing more poor looking than a little light brown peeking out from a slightly darker brown head. Wear this hair in a side-part (side-swept bangs optional) either straight or in a loose wave. If you're doing this right, your hair should look like a horse's tail.

Cocking your head in photos makes your hair look even longer!

Spotted: rich guy hair. And pillars for a front door...?

If you're trying out the rich-girl persona, now would be a good time to say something about your equestrian experience back home. Wear riding boots and pants to reiterate.

Unfortunately, I can't really hate on rich girl hair too much as I envy it with all of my split-end roots-showing mess of hair. But hair is only one facet of the rich look. Another great way to say "I have money, and I spend it" is the use of understated yet outrageously expensive jewelry.  Think tennis bracelet, pearl studs, and a silver Tiffany's pendant. Never vary this jewelry routine. Wear to the gym, while you shower, to your graduation, 100 days, and obviously to sleep.  If you're feeling especially fancy, maybe throw on a ring or switch out your pearls for some diamond studs (it's ok not-actually-rich girls, CZs will work just fine).

Other ways to spot a girl using the "rich-up" technique to increase her desirability:
Drinks: SmartWater and the occasional Mike's Hard (Light!)
Listens to: OneRepublic and Coldplay while in private, but blasts Ke$ha and "You know... my favorite rap artist! oooh I feel like such an idiot I forget his name..." while in the car.
Eats: Sometimes. "I would come to '82 but I just looked at a bagel!"
Located: Anywhere she can be seen. Popular destinations include Tunnel City, estrogym ellipticals, and Schow (Atrium)
Hobbies: Backhandedly complimenting her friends, Facebook stalking her high-school crush, long walks in wellies, vogue 

I'm like totally exhausted. I'll post some rich-dude tips for my male readers in a bit. In the mean time.... fucking email me, assholes. And comment. OR complain on WSO. I want to be famous.

Your Bitch Always <33333
Pandora