GO. Discuss. Naima, thank you. I now surely will be famous.
- P
Friday, April 15
Thursday, April 14
A Literary Review
Let me be clear. The ONLY reason I read the record is for Spring Street Blues. I looove to #2 Not Keep Up With The News, but SSB gives me just what I crave: juicy gossip with enough detail about where and when to let me fill in the blanks about who received a smoking citation, and which dumbass left her curling iron on and set off the fire alarm at eight in the fucking morning (way to go, moron). This week had a couple gems. Let me give you a brief summary:
Ugh, side note, there is a small child throwing a temper tantrum outside of my dorm. I thought I went to a college, not a preschool? Why is there a toddler on campus at 7:30 at night?
Anyway, so I'm done reading the Blues, and I throw my copy of the Record down onto a table in Paresky when something catches my eye on the front page. Top right corner... "A look into the now-infamous blog of..." PSYCH. Not Crammys. But Ephs sleeping in public. I am already infuriated. First of all, aren't we the top liberal arts college in the country? Doesn't Kathleen Elkins, a staff writer for the record, know that infamous means "deserving of or causing an evil reputation; shamefully malign"?? I'm pretty sure that a tumblr, which the creator herself advertised on WSO, that clearly states that if anyone is uncomfortable about having their image posted they can email to have it removed is the COMPLETE opposite of evil, and that Sora Kim has the opposite of a bad reputation. Secondly... how has there been neither a WSO post NOR a Record article about this fucking blog yet? I know you idiots are reading it, I know some of you are pissed off beyond belief, I know some of you like it, I even know you guys talk about it in class. Why does stupid Sonya Kim get to boast about how she's famous on her blog before meeee? I can't help being bitter! I have on average over three hundred views daily (jumps up to around 800 when I post a new entry) and am somehow not written about anywhere. God damn it.
So, I'm fuming in Paresky with a half-crumpled Record in my hand trying to play it cool, and I haven't even read the damn article yet. So I shoved the fucking thing in my bag and stormed off to class where I could literally feel it burning a hole through my Longchamp onto my shin where it was sitting up against while my Prof droned on about God knows what, whatever it was it was way less pertinent than what was in this article. Finally, class gets out and I fucking book it home to read this mother.
So... I could give you literally a sentence-by-sentence review of this, uh, piece of journalistic... um, crap. I swear to you, I sat down with this fucker and a bright red pen and wrote down line-for-line a non-pussy re-write. Don't believe me? Here, look for yourself:
I think maybe it would be mean spirited to rip this apart as much as I want to, I mean poor Elkins is only a frosh (but yes, Kathleen, your name is circled on there. You're on my radar now. Watching you) and maybe she doesn't understand what she's done (so you can sleep easy tonight. Or tomorrow afternoon in Paresky, you "serial napper"). And while I'm all for mean-spirited, I can't exactly trash her now as I've basically almost threatened her and I'm afraid that would cross the joke/real-life boundary (to clarify: I am joking right now, but if I had gone from serial napper to serial killer, probably would be more real-life territory). Anyway, she's obviously just writing in her comfort zone as she basically only mentions underclassmen in this entire article. But, it would be unlike me not to make a couple of constructive comments on the headline of the Features section.
First of all, the title of the article doesn't even make sense. The bubble of privacy has not been burst since if anyone at any time wants their picture removed, they just email Sasha Kim and it's as good as gone. Also, from my brief exploration of the site, it seems like most of this images are self-nominated and are from the same-ish group of friends (as the "witty captions" often just say something along the lines of "fourth time spotted!"). So already this is a losing battle.
Moving on, Elkins states that the tumblr account is "modeled off of the hit blog 'Asians Sleeping in the Library.'" First of all, that blog is like, super racist and stuff. Just because the description written by the author says that it is not racist (also claims the author is a handsome Jew... hm), the tagline for the damn blog is: "THEY'RE BETTER AT LIFE AND THEY GET BETTER GRADES THAN YOU FOR A REASON." And that reason is... they plan their sleep schedule even worse than they drive?? (finally, some good material for the dumbfuck who keeps calling my blog racist when I talk about hooking up and side-bangs... you aren't funny). Secondly, and back me up annoying readers whom I recently criticized, isn't that PLAGIARISM, not 'modeling'? I am very self-serving with my definitions of things, and I'm well aware of it so don't try to point out my double standards.
At least Ephs Sleeping in Public isn't racist, thank God, but the blog itself confuses the shit out of me. "Back" and "Forth" are the navigation links, which are vague and mildly sexual, although not in a way that excites me. Also I don't understand why only half of the word is highlighted when I scroll over it. There's also no background image or color or pattern and so I was easily distracted by the wide world of the internet after about two pages of browsing. Sorry, Sofia Kim. Just poor design, though, definitely fixable.
Lastly, I'm pretty sure that falling asleep in public is not a sign that we're academically gifted, pretty sure it's just a sign that we overwork ourselves to a stupid point where our health is compromised for an extra hour of study at night that really doesn't make a huge difference because we can't absorb information correctly past 2 AM. Uh, not to quote Charlie Sheen (because, come on, I'm way more original than that) but PLAN BETTER. Seriously, I've gone my entire Williams Career without falling asleep in public due to exhaustion from studying. And my academic record is pretty bad ass, if I do say so myself. Passing out from one too many car bombs, on the other hand, is a different story. Either way, the closing line of this article is... questionable.
Now, this is Sara Kim, the creator of the tumblr being quoted by Elkins (being quoted by me... meta). I am aware that this is the internet and you all cannot see the face I'm making in reaction to this quote, so let me try to find something close enough on Google Images...
No SHIT people need to sleep! And yes, sleeping is a good way to sleep when you need to sleep. Jesus. We go to Williams, people. Say wittier things than that if they're going to be put in a newspaper for all of posterity to read.
- Stolen Williams-Sonoma vegetarian cookbook (?? who the fuck would want that)
- "Lots of evidence" of smoking after someone reported "cigarette" smell in Prospect
- A "Difficult Person" in Sawyer at 7:17 PM on a Friday (probably sobbing about how they had no life and were in the library on a Friday night)
- $100 stolen "sometime between March 19 and April 6"... I'm thinking that's a bit too wide of a window to do any real investigation, and that you accidentally spent it when you were black out and you and your fifteen friends just NEEDED Hot Tomatoes
- A noise complaint about some kids in Mission. They were "not being loud," but were drinking beer. I think someone was bitter they weren't invited and called security on yo asses
Ugh, side note, there is a small child throwing a temper tantrum outside of my dorm. I thought I went to a college, not a preschool? Why is there a toddler on campus at 7:30 at night?
Anyway, so I'm done reading the Blues, and I throw my copy of the Record down onto a table in Paresky when something catches my eye on the front page. Top right corner... "A look into the now-infamous blog of..." PSYCH. Not Crammys. But Ephs sleeping in public. I am already infuriated. First of all, aren't we the top liberal arts college in the country? Doesn't Kathleen Elkins, a staff writer for the record, know that infamous means "deserving of or causing an evil reputation; shamefully malign"?? I'm pretty sure that a tumblr, which the creator herself advertised on WSO, that clearly states that if anyone is uncomfortable about having their image posted they can email to have it removed is the COMPLETE opposite of evil, and that Sora Kim has the opposite of a bad reputation. Secondly... how has there been neither a WSO post NOR a Record article about this fucking blog yet? I know you idiots are reading it, I know some of you are pissed off beyond belief, I know some of you like it, I even know you guys talk about it in class. Why does stupid Sonya Kim get to boast about how she's famous on her blog before meeee? I can't help being bitter! I have on average over three hundred views daily (jumps up to around 800 when I post a new entry) and am somehow not written about anywhere. God damn it.
So, I'm fuming in Paresky with a half-crumpled Record in my hand trying to play it cool, and I haven't even read the damn article yet. So I shoved the fucking thing in my bag and stormed off to class where I could literally feel it burning a hole through my Longchamp onto my shin where it was sitting up against while my Prof droned on about God knows what, whatever it was it was way less pertinent than what was in this article. Finally, class gets out and I fucking book it home to read this mother.
So... I could give you literally a sentence-by-sentence review of this, uh, piece of journalistic... um, crap. I swear to you, I sat down with this fucker and a bright red pen and wrote down line-for-line a non-pussy re-write. Don't believe me? Here, look for yourself:
 |
| I read this shit more carefully than like 90% of my assigned readings. |
First of all, the title of the article doesn't even make sense. The bubble of privacy has not been burst since if anyone at any time wants their picture removed, they just email Sasha Kim and it's as good as gone. Also, from my brief exploration of the site, it seems like most of this images are self-nominated and are from the same-ish group of friends (as the "witty captions" often just say something along the lines of "fourth time spotted!"). So already this is a losing battle.
Moving on, Elkins states that the tumblr account is "modeled off of the hit blog 'Asians Sleeping in the Library.'" First of all, that blog is like, super racist and stuff. Just because the description written by the author says that it is not racist (also claims the author is a handsome Jew... hm), the tagline for the damn blog is: "THEY'RE BETTER AT LIFE AND THEY GET BETTER GRADES THAN YOU FOR A REASON." And that reason is... they plan their sleep schedule even worse than they drive?? (finally, some good material for the dumbfuck who keeps calling my blog racist when I talk about hooking up and side-bangs... you aren't funny). Secondly, and back me up annoying readers whom I recently criticized, isn't that PLAGIARISM, not 'modeling'? I am very self-serving with my definitions of things, and I'm well aware of it so don't try to point out my double standards.
At least Ephs Sleeping in Public isn't racist, thank God, but the blog itself confuses the shit out of me. "Back" and "Forth" are the navigation links, which are vague and mildly sexual, although not in a way that excites me. Also I don't understand why only half of the word is highlighted when I scroll over it. There's also no background image or color or pattern and so I was easily distracted by the wide world of the internet after about two pages of browsing. Sorry, Sofia Kim. Just poor design, though, definitely fixable.
Lastly, I'm pretty sure that falling asleep in public is not a sign that we're academically gifted, pretty sure it's just a sign that we overwork ourselves to a stupid point where our health is compromised for an extra hour of study at night that really doesn't make a huge difference because we can't absorb information correctly past 2 AM. Uh, not to quote Charlie Sheen (because, come on, I'm way more original than that) but PLAN BETTER. Seriously, I've gone my entire Williams Career without falling asleep in public due to exhaustion from studying. And my academic record is pretty bad ass, if I do say so myself. Passing out from one too many car bombs, on the other hand, is a different story. Either way, the closing line of this article is... questionable.
Sometimes you just have to sleep, and taking a nap is one of the best ways to do it!
Now, this is Sara Kim, the creator of the tumblr being quoted by Elkins (being quoted by me... meta). I am aware that this is the internet and you all cannot see the face I'm making in reaction to this quote, so let me try to find something close enough on Google Images...
 |
| Mmm demotivational posters always know just what to say... |
Anyway, I would like to personally call out the Record and say that if there isn't an article about the Crammys in there soon, I will... do something... really bad. Just give me some time to think up something. But believe me, you won't want me to do it, I'm sure....
Enough of vague threats that I doubt I'll follow through with. Sora (yup I know your name) I do kind of dig the blog so keep it going. I'm sure you could find some way more embarrassing pictures to throw in there if you tried. I would support that. And Elkins... eh. Don't use the world Muploads anymore. You are not a betch and you are not Jim Henson.
Everyone else, submit some sweet pieces about Crammys to the Record or WSO or the New York Times, ya know, whatever. And stop emailing me about writing another Williams-related fashion themed blog post. It's coming. In the meantime, it's Thursday and I'm going to drink. Maybe I'll see some of you out there tonight. Or tomorrow.
Buh Bye,
Pandora
Noooope.
That's it. I was having a great day until I saw this. It's over 50 degrees you fucking morons. But seriously. I'm finished. I'm transferring. This was the last fucking straw.
Bye forever. Not kidding.
Pandora
 |
| Dealbreaker. I'm out. You fucking disgust me. |
Pandora
Monday, April 11
How's that stick up your ass feeling?
This is a short(er) post basically serving my self-interest. On a scale from one to funny, it is mainly angry. If you don't care about issues surrounding plagiarism, skip this post and wait a couple of hours until I post one you might enjoy more.
I usually am 100% unmotivated to respond to your stupid-ass comments. I actually sort of resent the comment section of Crammys with all of my tiny, dark, cold heart. Do you think it's fun to constantly have my Gmail open on my laptop, ipad, and smartphone to monitor and screen for "So-and-so is a fat stupid butthole whose father hates them and should kill themselves" tidbits you idiots spew at me on almost a daily basis? Because it's really not. However, I don't delete comments because I don't like them or because they make me look bad, I just delete stupid hate-filled ones that try to name names and encourage suicide/homicide/matricide/pesticide (not really up to date on my Law and Order murder terms, sorry).
So, you might have noticed a couple of comments on my previous post that accuse me of plagiarizing. I'm not going to indulge this too much, but I feel like I really need to clarify some things for you losers that have nothing better to do than examine my blog as if it were my thesis.
First of all, and I would like to recognize and commend the reader who pointed this out, I can guarantee that NONE of you have seen an entirely original comedy bit. I promise, there's isn't one that exists. And, in case you needed further clarification (read: in case you're a total fucking moron), this blog is not serious. I don't actually give a shit if you wear your overpriced coat and canvas hat around (although I do think they're atrociously ugly). Honestly, I do about 80% of the things I complain about, so either find some grown up underwear and learn to take a joke or go buy a box of tampons and get the fuck off the internet.
[Bah! Sexism! WSO post/Ephblog post! Rant about biological differences between men and women... aka women have ovaries and a brain... Whatever, go to WSO with that shit. Although, for the record, I am writing this blog from a kitchen.]
Secondly, this is a blog, not a fucking dissertation. I'm in the fun anonymous world of the interweb, and if I see something that makes me laugh, I will use it without citing it because I can. Because I'm not abiding by any honor code. Because even though I'm stealing some ideas, I'm using them in my own way to make YOU laugh, not to get ME a grade. Come on, Williams, take the giant dildo out of your ass and just accept Crammys for what it is. It's not your job to grade me or dissect what I say. It is your job to read, laugh (or cry if you're a baby/loser), and write about me on WSO and make me famous.
Also, believe it or not, I got an email after my Reader Emails post (in which I claim to break the Honor Code) that said:
So, there, reader. Happy? I broke the Honor Code, and I broke it good (and pissed some people off, although that happens regardless of my originality). Although if I were intentionally trying to plagiarize I would have a) copied and pasted this blog (GENIUS!), and b) would have stolen more than 55 words (out of about 2,500).
So... chill out, two commenters who are concerned about my citing ability. I have shit to do on this campus that doesn't involve blogging for your pleasure, so just take what I give you instead of being thankless assholes who complain about something that has been happening in comedic writing since way before you were drooling and shitting your pants (which is a reference to when you were a baby, not a reference to last weekend).
Still have a problem with it? I would normally say something about emailing me here, but I just don't give a shit about breaking the (non-existant) blogging code of conduct and am formally dropping the subject.
Sorry that I'm not even close to sorry.
Pandora
P.S. While I'm commenting on things that are boring and unfunny, I see that over half of the views I get come from Safari (Yes, I can see who views me, what browser they use, and what terms in Google you use to find me). Guys- Cut it out. Seriously. Just go download Firefox 4. Even Chrome is better than fucking Safari. You're welcome.
I usually am 100% unmotivated to respond to your stupid-ass comments. I actually sort of resent the comment section of Crammys with all of my tiny, dark, cold heart. Do you think it's fun to constantly have my Gmail open on my laptop, ipad, and smartphone to monitor and screen for "So-and-so is a fat stupid butthole whose father hates them and should kill themselves" tidbits you idiots spew at me on almost a daily basis? Because it's really not. However, I don't delete comments because I don't like them or because they make me look bad, I just delete stupid hate-filled ones that try to name names and encourage suicide/homicide/matricide/pesticide (not really up to date on my Law and Order murder terms, sorry).
So, you might have noticed a couple of comments on my previous post that accuse me of plagiarizing. I'm not going to indulge this too much, but I feel like I really need to clarify some things for you losers that have nothing better to do than examine my blog as if it were my thesis.
 |
| Oh, yes, what a great source to reference for my piece on etiquette for running into a one-night-stand in Paresky. |
[Bah! Sexism! WSO post/Ephblog post! Rant about biological differences between men and women... aka women have ovaries and a brain... Whatever, go to WSO with that shit. Although, for the record, I am writing this blog from a kitchen.]
Secondly, this is a blog, not a fucking dissertation. I'm in the fun anonymous world of the interweb, and if I see something that makes me laugh, I will use it without citing it because I can. Because I'm not abiding by any honor code. Because even though I'm stealing some ideas, I'm using them in my own way to make YOU laugh, not to get ME a grade. Come on, Williams, take the giant dildo out of your ass and just accept Crammys for what it is. It's not your job to grade me or dissect what I say. It is your job to read, laugh (or cry if you're a baby/loser), and write about me on WSO and make me famous.
Also, believe it or not, I got an email after my Reader Emails post (in which I claim to break the Honor Code) that said:
You authoritatively SUCK at...
....breaking the honor code.
By block-quoting all of your letters, you provided clear and unambiguous attribution of those ideas/text that were not your own. Ergo, you fail, and will clearly just have to try harder to actually piss people off.
So, there, reader. Happy? I broke the Honor Code, and I broke it good (and pissed some people off, although that happens regardless of my originality). Although if I were intentionally trying to plagiarize I would have a) copied and pasted this blog (GENIUS!), and b) would have stolen more than 55 words (out of about 2,500).
So... chill out, two commenters who are concerned about my citing ability. I have shit to do on this campus that doesn't involve blogging for your pleasure, so just take what I give you instead of being thankless assholes who complain about something that has been happening in comedic writing since way before you were drooling and shitting your pants (which is a reference to when you were a baby, not a reference to last weekend).
Still have a problem with it? I would normally say something about emailing me here, but I just don't give a shit about breaking the (non-existant) blogging code of conduct and am formally dropping the subject.
Sorry that I'm not even close to sorry.
Pandora
P.S. While I'm commenting on things that are boring and unfunny, I see that over half of the views I get come from Safari (Yes, I can see who views me, what browser they use, and what terms in Google you use to find me). Guys- Cut it out. Seriously. Just go download Firefox 4. Even Chrome is better than fucking Safari. You're welcome.
Thursday, April 7
Do I have to spell it out for you? Yes? Fine...
Alright. Here it goes, I'm not fucking around anymore... Hooking up at Williams.
There are two schools of thought:
It's just hooking up. Maybe it's made a little more complicated by our tiny and incestuous community, but it's not like people cross over from North Adams to Williamstown and suddenly and involuntarily have their entire world views shifted from normal 'outside of the Purple Bubble' stance, to some crazed and irrational Williams-induced haze. We over-analyze the shit out of hooking up here; from the weird and mildly entertaining hook-up skit during First Days, students are force-fed the idea that hooking up at Williams is different and complicated when really it's just as complicated and fucked up here as it is everywhere else. Let people figure hooking-up shit out on their own without the pretense that every action they take based on sexual desire or curiosity is clearly defined by being at Williams. If we keep examining the hook up culture here, we're going to overanalyze ourselves into a coma and completely screw ourselves out of ever having a good time without second guessing our every move.
or...
The culture at Williams is different at the very core of it's nature. We're a select [read: geeky and/or dweeby] group of people who share a lot of common traits [read: geekiness and/or dweebiness], but also come from a variety of extremely diverse backgrounds. Everyone heads into school thinking that hooking up means one thing based on their experiences elsewhere, but then they're forced to change their perspective and actions based on the pre-existing notion of hooking up that has been a part of Williams culture since before they came to campus. Maybe at home your high school was so big that a girl could, ehm, explore her options without direct consequence to her reputation. Serious dating might be your only experience, or maybe you haven't ever had a significant other in your life. Or, maybe hooking up wasn't something that was ever discussed with you or even considered by you until you came to school. Then, bam! You get to Williams and everything changes and it's a giant clusterfuck (although, I guess not literally) of unwritten rules regarding hooking up. If we don't examine the hook up culture here, we won't be able to address it and fix it.
There is literally a Winter Study class taught on this shit (I wonder how many romances are sparked by the discussion there. My best guess is probably somewhere around... absolutely zero), and I feel like if I share with you all my personal view on the matter that it might spark some interesting and thought-provoking debate. Which I really, sincerely, do not want to do. This post has been way too cerebral so far anyway, so let's take it in a slightly different direction.
While my opinion on the matter may remain a bit of a mystery, I definitely have plenty of observations on how to (maybe) hook up right. I've made this post easy to follow, in list form, because most of you (despite having high IQs and great GPAs) are total dumbasses. But, let's clarify what I mean by "hooking up" before we move on.
The Webster's definition of hooking up says: Haha, just kidding! There is no definition of hooking up. You're on your own, sucka.
Seriously, it's always a challenging sea to navigate, but, to take the pussy way out of thinking of my own definition, hooking up is whatever you make it. Sometimes it's casual, sometimes there's something more behind it. It's making out, its orgies, hand jobs (does anyone still give hand jobs? Seriously, I'm really curious), it's whatever you want it to be.
Here is a list I've compiled of some people you might want to avoid hooking up with:
There are two schools of thought:
It's just hooking up. Maybe it's made a little more complicated by our tiny and incestuous community, but it's not like people cross over from North Adams to Williamstown and suddenly and involuntarily have their entire world views shifted from normal 'outside of the Purple Bubble' stance, to some crazed and irrational Williams-induced haze. We over-analyze the shit out of hooking up here; from the weird and mildly entertaining hook-up skit during First Days, students are force-fed the idea that hooking up at Williams is different and complicated when really it's just as complicated and fucked up here as it is everywhere else. Let people figure hooking-up shit out on their own without the pretense that every action they take based on sexual desire or curiosity is clearly defined by being at Williams. If we keep examining the hook up culture here, we're going to overanalyze ourselves into a coma and completely screw ourselves out of ever having a good time without second guessing our every move.
or...
The culture at Williams is different at the very core of it's nature. We're a select [read: geeky and/or dweeby] group of people who share a lot of common traits [read: geekiness and/or dweebiness], but also come from a variety of extremely diverse backgrounds. Everyone heads into school thinking that hooking up means one thing based on their experiences elsewhere, but then they're forced to change their perspective and actions based on the pre-existing notion of hooking up that has been a part of Williams culture since before they came to campus. Maybe at home your high school was so big that a girl could, ehm, explore her options without direct consequence to her reputation. Serious dating might be your only experience, or maybe you haven't ever had a significant other in your life. Or, maybe hooking up wasn't something that was ever discussed with you or even considered by you until you came to school. Then, bam! You get to Williams and everything changes and it's a giant clusterfuck (although, I guess not literally) of unwritten rules regarding hooking up. If we don't examine the hook up culture here, we won't be able to address it and fix it.
There is literally a Winter Study class taught on this shit (I wonder how many romances are sparked by the discussion there. My best guess is probably somewhere around... absolutely zero), and I feel like if I share with you all my personal view on the matter that it might spark some interesting and thought-provoking debate. Which I really, sincerely, do not want to do. This post has been way too cerebral so far anyway, so let's take it in a slightly different direction.
While my opinion on the matter may remain a bit of a mystery, I definitely have plenty of observations on how to (maybe) hook up right. I've made this post easy to follow, in list form, because most of you (despite having high IQs and great GPAs) are total dumbasses. But, let's clarify what I mean by "hooking up" before we move on.
The Webster's definition of hooking up says: Haha, just kidding! There is no definition of hooking up. You're on your own, sucka.
Seriously, it's always a challenging sea to navigate, but, to take the pussy way out of thinking of my own definition, hooking up is whatever you make it. Sometimes it's casual, sometimes there's something more behind it. It's making out, its orgies, hand jobs (does anyone still give hand jobs? Seriously, I'm really curious), it's whatever you want it to be.
Here is a list I've compiled of some people you might want to avoid hooking up with:
- People who are rude to waiters
- Girls; avoid guys with longer hair than yours. Guys; avoid girls with shorter hair than yours. It's a gender stereotype, sure, but stereotypes are sometimes loosely based in reality, and I've never pretended to be politically correct.
- People who make you feel bad for speaking
- People who make you feel bad
- People whose hobbies include jumping off of tall things in Youtube videos, writing anonymous blogs, or explaining every plot twist of Lost to me. Yes, it's the hundredth time you've explained this to me. No, I still do not understand what the smoke monster is. And, yes, I still don't give a flying fuck.
- Yankees Fans
- People who chew with their mouth open
- Blue Balls, from the Reader Emails post
- People who give you that pre-coitus disclaimer, like, “Just don’t fall in love with me, because I’m trouble/complicated/confused/constipated/an Animorph.”
- People who can't laugh at their puffy vests and gorgeous hair
- People whose height differs from yours by thirteen or more inches (for logistical reasons. Also, they might be children. Which, to clarify, is illegal.)
- Anyone on the ______ team. (Pick your poison)
- Ghosts or aliens. If you're in a situation that hooking up could even be a remote possibility with any supernatural being, probably just document it and earn mad bank for selling that shit to TMZ/Fox
Here is a short list I have compiled of people who you might want to consider hooking up with:
- People you want to hook up with who aren't mentioned on the above list
Now that you know who to aim for/avoid, I can begin to address the approach one might take for a successful hook up at Williams College. First, you must figure out what kind of hook up you're after. If you're simply in the game for some ass, aim to go out on a night where your possible prospects might be at the same level of intoxication as you (anywhere from sober to "I'll keep kissing you in a second, I just gotta run and puke real quick"). If you want a repeat hook up, whether just for ass reasons or maybe you're actually mildly interested in their brain-happenings, then probably you should try to remain coherent. If you're in this hook up game for a real-life relationship (or whatever Williams distorts a real-life relationship into), then go on a date before you explore the inside of their pants. Tuesdays at Images are a cheap and fool-proof solution to the "I desperately want some, but don't want to make an ass of myself because I also want to date this person" problem that arises from the lack of possible date venues in Williamstown (just FYI, Paresky is NOT romantic. I don't know how many god damn times I have to reiterate this point. I am fucking sick of watching people suck face at the snack-bar booths).
DO NOT ATTEMPT A FIRST TIME HOOK UP UNDER THE FOLLOWING SITUATIONS:
- Midterms or finals. People are just certifiably crazy during these crunch periods. They can't be held responsible for their actions, words, or beej's given during these weeks from hell. Thankfully, midterms are basically done and finals won't start for a while, so y'all are in the clear for a little bit here.
- Right before any break. Breaks as short as dead week count. You get involved in the whole weird texting situation... Should you text them a lot? Not at all? Some weird place in the middle? Then you have to de-code all of their texts because, like, are they annoyed by you? Do they want to text more? No one has any idea, because you only just hooked up with this person and you don't know anything about them. Just skip the drama and let the sexual tension build over break.
- Rebounds, unless you're into the whole no-strings-attached thing. And, if you are into the whole no-strings-attached thing, I should just warn you right now that it does not exist, so stop, and don't hook up with someone who is rebounding at all. Give the poor kid at least two weeks to figure out their bone-crushing agony before completely taking advantage of them.
- Queer Bash. Unless you're ready to blur the line of your sexuality in a drunken, skanky, sweaty, anonymous way, in which case, Queer Bash might be your best-case venue.
So. You now know who to hook up with (and who to avoid), where/when to do it (and when to pledge celibacy). Now, you just need to figure out how to turn your plans, hopes, and dreams into action! Whoosh! [cue cheesy transition sequence]
First, you're going to need to warm up. I don't know about you, but I like to start out by screaming, "fat fuck! no one wants to hook up with your ugly face" in the mirror for twenty minutes. Once morale is properly boosted, you're going to want to go pick out some fancy clothes that hide how fat you've become from emotionally overeating to cope with your lack of hook up abilities. Girls, think empire waist, or high waisted skirt, or go to the gym. Guys: don't wear a button up shirt that's too small for you. Maybe you think we dont notice, but we absolutely can tell when your belly button pokes out from in between puckered layers of fabric that are stretched to their very limit trying to encompass your mass. Plus, you wouldn't want to pop a button and take someone's eye out, now would you? Or, you also could just put the hot wings down and go to the fucking gym.
Just to remind you, this isn't to help you find someone to hook up with. It's how to find a GOOD hook up. Sure, most girls probably don't have a huge problem finding someone who's willing to give them the goods, and I'm sure any decently nice guy can reel in a prospect or two if he casts enough lines into the sea of a drunken theme party. But I care about my readers. Really, I do. I don't want you to wake up the next morning and have to shove a pillow in your mouth to stifle your horrified gasp of realization. No, let's instead aim for a gasp of excitement, shall we?
How to flirt correctly:
- Make eye contact
- Smile
- Laugh at their jokes. Try to make this not look and sound completely forced
- If they're being serious and not making any jokes, don't laugh. Nod encouragingly.
- Ask questions! Count how many times you say the word "I." If you go into double digits, shut up.
You're doing it wrong if:
- The other person is crying
- You say the word "love." Just... don't do it. Way too many chances for misinterpretation. Actually, while I'm on the subject, don't mention marriage, children, or the dream you may have had about them the other night.
- They walk away while you're speaking to them
- You find yourself talking about your stance on politics, religion, or money. Pro-Life? Pro-Choice? Doesn't matter, because you won't find yourself in the position where having a potential offspring could even be physically possible if you keep talking about where on the political spectrum you sit. Trust me, you're going to offend someone. I promise.
- You keep checking your phone for texts to look cool. Maybe you're playing hard to get (and Angry Birds!), but you look like a douche.
- You bring up your ex. Or their ex.
- You talk about how someone else around you is good looking. Nope, don't do that. You want to act like as far as you're concerned, you're with the prettiest girl/boy at the ball!
Now you've set the foundation for a solid hook up. But what if you realize mid-flirtation that you don't really think that the obnoxious, wildly feminist, fresh from a bad breakup chick fits your chill "I want to have a beer with W" womanizing persona? Don't worry about it. Just bail. Sure, you might look kind of like a creepy jerk at the time, but it's better than getting involved in something that will drain the life and hope out of you faster than a rainy day spent entirely in Sawyer.
But what if, just what if, everything goes to plan? Oh my god, you're on your way home with Dreamy McDreamster who is totally into you. You're so close to hook up nirvana... You've basically closed the deal, the only thing standing in your way is the next ten minutes. Which is, incidentally, just enough time to fuck it all up.
Don't:
- Make any jokes. You're nervous, so they probably won't be funny and then you'll have to laugh at your own jokes and look like a crazy person, which is not sexy
- Make any overly aggressive moves. Like, if you're casually getting into/onto bed with them and they take their jeans off (because lying around in jeans is horrifically uncomfortable), do not take this as an open invitation to strip naked as fast as you can and jump into bed.
- Keep your phone's ringer on. Just remove the distraction to answer a text from your friend mid-makeout and put that shit on silent. Or, even better, turn it off.
- Speak without thinking. This is kind of the time when you accidentally word-vomit out a bunch of deal breakers. Keep the suppressed childhood memories suppressed. Did they do something that reminded you of a previous hook up? Don't say a word. Basically, play it safe and don't bring up ANY new information about yourself during this ten minute window.
If you've done it all right, plus were having a good hair day (took my Mane 'N Tail advice, did you?) and luck was on your side, then congratulations. You've mastered hook up culture at Williams. Still struggling even with all of the advice I have so lovingly bestowed upon your unworthy brain muscles? Well that's obviously your fault and not mine. These lists are pure gold, and if you're smart you'll treasure them as such.
Hope you're all satisfied with my Williams-related post. Probably none of you were ready for it, but boom. There it is. Deal with it.
Any more hook up insights? Comment them... or even email me your best moves ;) Emoticon flirting... I'm doing it right.
Undefeated,
Pandora
P.S. As the post directly below this one states (yes, I'm aware of my repetitive nature), I now have a twitter. Check it out. Add me to your follow-y list? I'm still getting the hang of this twatter thing... kids these days.
Tuesday, April 5
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