Do I have to spell it out for you? Yes? Fine...

Alright. Here it goes, I'm not fucking around anymore... Hooking up at Williams. 


There are two schools of thought: 


It's just hooking up. Maybe it's made a little more complicated by our tiny and incestuous community, but it's not like people cross over from North Adams to Williamstown and suddenly and involuntarily have their entire world views shifted from normal 'outside of the Purple Bubble' stance, to some crazed and irrational Williams-induced haze. We over-analyze the shit out of hooking up here; from the weird and mildly entertaining hook-up skit during First Days, students are force-fed the idea that hooking up at Williams is different and complicated when really it's just as complicated and fucked up here as it is everywhere else. Let people figure hooking-up shit out on their own without the pretense that every action they take based on sexual desire or curiosity is clearly defined by being at Williams. If we keep examining the hook up culture here, we're going to overanalyze ourselves into a coma and completely screw ourselves out of ever having a good time without second guessing our every move.


or...


The culture at Williams is different at the very core of it's nature. We're a select [read: geeky and/or dweeby] group of people who share a lot of common traits [read: geekiness and/or dweebiness], but also come from a variety of extremely diverse backgrounds. Everyone heads into school thinking that hooking up means one thing based on their experiences elsewhere, but then they're forced to change their perspective and actions based on the pre-existing notion of hooking up that has been a part of Williams culture since before they came to campus. Maybe at home your high school was so big that a girl could, ehm, explore her options without direct consequence to her reputation. Serious dating might be your only experience, or maybe you haven't ever had a significant other in your life. Or, maybe hooking up wasn't something that was ever discussed with you or even considered by you until you came to school. Then, bam! You get to Williams and everything changes and it's a giant clusterfuck (although, I guess not literally) of unwritten rules regarding hooking up. If we don't examine the hook up culture here, we won't be able to address it and fix it.


There is literally a Winter Study class taught on this shit (I wonder how many romances are sparked by the discussion there. My best guess is probably somewhere around... absolutely zero), and I feel like if I share with you all my personal view on the matter that it might spark some interesting and thought-provoking debate. Which I really, sincerely, do not want to do. This post has been way too cerebral so far anyway, so let's take it in a slightly different direction.


While my opinion on the matter may remain a bit of a mystery, I definitely have plenty of observations on how to (maybe) hook up right. I've made this post easy to follow, in list form, because most of you (despite having high IQs and great GPAs) are total dumbasses.  But, let's clarify what I mean by "hooking up" before we move on. 


The Webster's definition of hooking up says: Haha, just kidding! There is no definition of hooking up. You're on your own, sucka.


Seriously, it's always a challenging sea to navigate, but, to take the pussy way out of thinking of my own definition, hooking up is whatever you make it. Sometimes it's casual, sometimes there's something more behind it. It's making out, its orgies, hand jobs (does anyone still give hand jobs? Seriously, I'm really curious), it's whatever you want it to be.


Here is a list I've compiled of some people you might want to avoid hooking up with:

• People who are rude to waiters
• Girls; avoid guys with longer hair than yours. Guys; avoid girls with shorter hair than yours. It's a gender stereotype, sure, but stereotypes are sometimes loosely based in reality, and I've never pretended to be politically correct.
• People who make you feel bad for speaking
• People who make you feel bad
• People whose hobbies include jumping off of tall things in Youtube videos, writing anonymous blogs, or explaining every plot twist of Lost to me. Yes, it's the hundredth time you've explained this to me. No, I still do not understand what the smoke monster is. And, yes, I still don't give a flying fuck.
• Yankees Fans
• People who chew with their mouth open
• Blue Balls, from the Reader Emails post
• People who give you that pre-coitus disclaimer, like, “Just don’t fall in love with me, because I’m trouble/complicated/confused/constipated/an Animorph.”
• People who can't laugh at their puffy vests and gorgeous hair
• People whose height differs from yours by thirteen or more inches (for logistical reasons. Also, they might be children. Which, to clarify, is illegal.)
• Anyone on the ______ team. (Pick your poison)
• Ghosts or aliens. If you're in a situation that hooking up could even be a remote possibility with any supernatural being, probably just document it and earn mad bank for selling that shit to TMZ/Fox

Here is a short list I have compiled of people who you might want to consider hooking up with:

• People you want to hook up with who aren't mentioned on the above list

Now that you know who to aim for/avoid, I can begin to address the approach one might take for a successful hook up at Williams College. First, you must figure out what kind of hook up you're after. If you're simply in the game for some ass, aim to go out on a night where your possible prospects might be at the same level of intoxication as you (anywhere from sober to "I'll keep kissing you in a second, I just gotta run and puke real quick"). If you want a repeat hook up, whether just for ass reasons or maybe you're actually mildly interested in their brain-happenings, then probably you should try to remain coherent. If you're in this hook up game for a real-life relationship (or whatever Williams distorts a real-life relationship into), then go on a date before you explore the inside of their pants. Tuesdays at Images are a cheap and fool-proof solution to the "I desperately want some, but don't want to make an ass of myself because I also want to date this person" problem that arises from the lack of possible date venues in Williamstown (just FYI, Paresky is NOT romantic. I don't know how many god damn times I have to reiterate this point. I am fucking sick of watching people suck face at the snack-bar booths).

DO NOT ATTEMPT A FIRST TIME HOOK UP UNDER THE FOLLOWING SITUATIONS:

• Midterms or finals. People are just certifiably crazy during these crunch periods. They can't be held responsible for their actions, words, or beej's given during these weeks from hell. Thankfully, midterms are basically done and finals won't start for a while, so y'all are in the clear for a little bit here.
• Right before any break. Breaks as short as dead week count. You get involved in the whole weird texting situation... Should you text them a lot? Not at all? Some weird place in the middle? Then you have to de-code all of their texts because, like, are they annoyed by you? Do they want to text more? No one has any idea, because you only just hooked up with this person and you don't know anything about them. Just skip the drama and let the sexual tension build over break.
• Rebounds, unless you're into the whole no-strings-attached thing. And, if you are into the whole no-strings-attached thing, I should just warn you right now that it does not exist, so stop, and don't hook up with someone who is rebounding at all. Give the poor kid at least two weeks to figure out their bone-crushing agony before completely taking advantage of them. 
• Queer Bash. Unless you're ready to blur the line of your sexuality in a drunken, skanky, sweaty, anonymous way, in which case, Queer Bash might be your best-case venue.

So. You now know who to hook up with (and who to avoid), where/when to do it (and when to pledge celibacy). Now, you just need to figure out how to turn your plans, hopes, and dreams into action! Whoosh! [cue cheesy transition sequence]

First, you're going to need to warm up. I don't know about you, but I like to start out by screaming, "fat fuck! no one wants to hook up with your ugly face" in the mirror for twenty minutes. Once morale is properly boosted, you're going to want to go pick out some fancy clothes that hide how fat you've become from emotionally overeating to cope with your lack of hook up abilities. Girls, think empire waist, or high waisted skirt, or go to the gym. Guys: don't wear a button up shirt that's too small for you. Maybe you think we dont notice, but we absolutely can tell when your belly button pokes out from in between puckered layers of fabric that are stretched to their very limit trying to encompass your mass. Plus, you wouldn't want to pop a button and take someone's eye out, now would you? Or, you also could just put the hot wings down and go to the fucking gym.

Just to remind you, this isn't to help you find someone to hook up with. It's how to find a GOOD hook up. Sure, most girls probably don't have a huge problem finding someone who's willing to give them the goods, and I'm sure any decently nice guy can reel in a prospect or two if he casts enough lines into the sea of a drunken theme party. But I care about my readers. Really, I do. I don't want you to wake up the next morning and have to shove a pillow in your mouth to stifle your horrified gasp of realization. No, let's instead aim for a gasp of excitement, shall we?

How to flirt correctly:

• Make eye contact
• Smile
• Laugh at their jokes. Try to make this not look and sound completely forced
• If they're being serious and not making any jokes, don't laugh. Nod encouragingly.
• Ask questions! Count how many times you say the word "I." If you go into double digits, shut up.

You're doing it wrong if:

• The other person is crying
• You say the word "love." Just... don't do it. Way too many chances for misinterpretation. Actually, while I'm on the subject, don't mention marriage, children, or the dream you may have had about them the other night.
• They walk away while you're speaking to them
• You find yourself talking about your stance on politics, religion, or money. Pro-Life? Pro-Choice? Doesn't matter, because you won't find yourself in the position where having a potential offspring could even be physically possible if you keep talking about where on the political spectrum you sit. Trust me, you're going to offend someone. I promise.
• You keep checking your phone for texts to look cool. Maybe you're playing hard to get (and Angry Birds!), but you look like a douche.
• You bring up your ex. Or their ex.
• You talk about how someone else around you is good looking. Nope, don't do that. You want to act like as far as you're concerned, you're with the prettiest girl/boy at the ball!

Now you've set the foundation for a solid hook up. But what if you realize mid-flirtation that you don't really think that the obnoxious, wildly feminist, fresh from a bad breakup chick fits your chill "I want to have a beer with W" womanizing persona? Don't worry about it. Just bail. Sure, you might look kind of like a creepy jerk at the time, but it's better than getting involved in something that will drain the life and hope out of you faster than a rainy day spent entirely in Sawyer.

But what if, just what if, everything goes to plan? Oh my god, you're on your way home with Dreamy McDreamster who is totally into you. You're so close to hook up nirvana... You've basically closed the deal, the only thing standing in your way is the next ten minutes. Which is, incidentally, just enough time to fuck it all up.

Don't:

• Make any jokes. You're nervous, so they probably won't be funny and then you'll have to laugh at your own jokes and look like a crazy person, which is not sexy
• Make any overly aggressive moves. Like, if you're casually getting into/onto bed with them and they take their jeans off (because lying around in jeans is horrifically uncomfortable), do not take this as an open invitation to strip naked as fast as you can and jump into bed. 
• Keep your phone's ringer on. Just remove the distraction to answer a text from your friend mid-makeout and put that shit on silent. Or, even better, turn it off.
• Speak without thinking. This is kind of the time when you accidentally word-vomit out a bunch of deal breakers. Keep the suppressed childhood memories suppressed. Did they do something that reminded you of a previous hook up? Don't say a word. Basically, play it safe and don't bring up ANY new information about yourself during this ten minute window.

If you've done it all right, plus were having a good hair day (took my Mane 'N Tail advice, did you?) and luck was on your side, then congratulations. You've mastered hook up culture at Williams. Still struggling even with all of the advice I have so lovingly bestowed upon your unworthy brain muscles? Well that's obviously your fault and not mine. These lists are pure gold, and if you're smart you'll treasure them as such.

Hope you're all satisfied with my Williams-related post. Probably none of you were ready for it, but boom. There it is. Deal with it.

Any more hook up insights? Comment them... or even email me your best moves ;) Emoticon flirting... I'm doing it right.

Undefeated,

Pandora

P.S. As the post directly below this one states (yes, I'm aware of my repetitive nature), I now have a twitter. Check it out. Add me to your follow-y list? I'm still getting the hang of this twatter thing... kids these days.