A Literary Review

Let me be clear. The ONLY reason I read the record is for Spring Street Blues. I looove to #2 Not Keep Up With The News, but SSB gives me just what I crave: juicy gossip with enough detail about where and when to let me fill in the blanks about who received a smoking citation, and which dumbass left her curling iron on and set off the fire alarm at eight in the fucking morning (way to go, moron). This week had a couple gems. Let me give you a brief summary:

• Stolen Williams-Sonoma vegetarian cookbook (?? who the fuck would want that)
• "Lots of evidence" of smoking after someone reported "cigarette" smell in Prospect
• A "Difficult Person" in Sawyer at 7:17 PM on a Friday (probably sobbing about how they had no life and were in the library on a Friday night)
• $100 stolen "sometime between March 19 and April 6"... I'm thinking that's a bit too wide of a window to do any real investigation, and that you accidentally spent it when you were black out and you and your fifteen friends just NEEDED Hot Tomatoes
• A noise complaint about some kids in Mission. They were "not being loud," but were drinking beer. I think someone was bitter they weren't invited and called security on yo asses

The best for last, which I will quote in its entirety: "2:05 a.m., Currier: Officers responded to a report of an intoxicated student running naked. Officers conducted a search of the building, but they didn't find anyone." Hahahahahahaha oh my GOD I frickin' love Spring Street Blues.

Ugh, side note, there is a small child throwing a temper tantrum outside of my dorm. I thought I went to a college, not a preschool? Why is there a toddler on campus at 7:30 at night?

Anyway, so I'm done reading the Blues, and I throw my copy of the Record down onto a table in Paresky when something catches my eye on the front page. Top right corner... "A look into the now-infamous blog of..." PSYCH. Not Crammys. But Ephs sleeping in public. I am already infuriated. First of all, aren't we the top liberal arts college in the country? Doesn't Kathleen Elkins, a staff writer for the record, know that infamous means "deserving of or causing an evil reputation; shamefully malign"?? I'm pretty sure that a tumblr, which the creator herself advertised on WSO, that clearly states that if anyone is uncomfortable about having their image posted they can email to have it removed is the COMPLETE opposite of evil, and that Sora Kim has the opposite of a bad reputation. Secondly... how has there been neither a WSO post NOR a Record article about this fucking blog yet? I know you idiots are reading it, I know some of you are pissed off beyond belief, I know some of you like it, I even know you guys talk about it in class. Why does stupid Sonya Kim get to boast about how she's famous on her blog before meeee? I can't help being bitter! I have on average over three hundred views daily (jumps up to around 800 when I post a new entry) and am somehow not written about anywhere. God damn it.

So, I'm fuming in Paresky with a half-crumpled Record in my hand trying to play it cool, and I haven't even read the damn article yet. So I shoved the fucking thing in my bag and stormed off to class where I could literally feel it burning a hole through my Longchamp onto my shin where it was sitting up against while my Prof droned on about God knows what, whatever it was it was way less pertinent than what was in this article. Finally, class gets out and I fucking book it home to read this mother.

So... I could give you literally a sentence-by-sentence review of this, uh, piece of journalistic... um, crap. I swear to you, I sat down with this fucker and a bright red pen and wrote down line-for-line a non-pussy re-write. Don't believe me? Here, look for yourself:

I read this shit more carefully than like 90% of my assigned readings.

I think maybe it would be mean spirited to rip this apart as much as I want to, I mean poor Elkins is only a frosh (but yes, Kathleen, your name is circled on there. You're on my radar now. Watching you) and maybe she doesn't understand what she's done (so you can sleep easy tonight. Or tomorrow afternoon in Paresky, you "serial napper"). And while I'm all for mean-spirited, I can't exactly trash her now as I've basically almost threatened her and I'm afraid that would cross the joke/real-life boundary (to clarify: I am joking right now, but if I had gone from serial napper to serial killer, probably would be more real-life territory). Anyway, she's obviously just writing in her comfort zone as she basically only mentions underclassmen in this entire article. But, it would be unlike me not to make a couple of constructive comments on the headline of the Features section.

First of all, the title of the article doesn't even make sense. The bubble of privacy has not been burst since if anyone at any time wants their picture removed, they just email Sasha Kim and it's as good as gone. Also, from my brief exploration of the site, it seems like most of this images are self-nominated and are from the same-ish group of friends (as the "witty captions" often just say something along the lines of "fourth time spotted!"). So already this is a losing battle.

Moving on, Elkins states that the tumblr account is "modeled off of the hit blog 'Asians Sleeping in the Library.'" First of all, that blog is like, super racist and stuff. Just because the description written by the author says that it is not racist (also claims the author is a handsome Jew... hm), the tagline for the damn blog is: "THEY'RE BETTER AT LIFE AND THEY GET BETTER GRADES THAN YOU FOR A REASON." And that reason is... they plan their sleep schedule even worse than they drive?? (finally, some good material for the dumbfuck who keeps calling my blog racist when I talk about hooking up and side-bangs... you aren't funny). Secondly, and back me up annoying readers whom I recently criticized, isn't that PLAGIARISM, not 'modeling'? I am very self-serving with my definitions of things, and I'm well aware of it so don't try to point out my double standards.

At least Ephs Sleeping in Public isn't racist, thank God, but the blog itself confuses the shit out of me. "Back" and "Forth" are the navigation links, which are vague and mildly sexual, although not in a way that excites me. Also I don't understand why only half of the word is highlighted when I scroll over it. There's also no background image or color or pattern and so I was easily distracted by the wide world of the internet after about two pages of browsing. Sorry, Sofia Kim. Just poor design, though, definitely fixable.

Lastly, I'm pretty sure that falling asleep in public is not a sign that we're academically gifted, pretty sure it's just a sign that we overwork ourselves to a stupid point where our health is compromised for an extra hour of study at night that really doesn't make a huge difference because we can't absorb information correctly past 2 AM. Uh, not to quote Charlie Sheen (because, come on, I'm way more original than that) but PLAN BETTER. Seriously, I've gone my entire Williams Career without falling asleep in public due to exhaustion from studying. And my academic record is pretty bad ass, if I do say so myself. Passing out from one too many car bombs, on the other hand, is a different story. Either way, the closing line of this article is... questionable.

Sometimes you just have to sleep, and taking a nap is one of the best ways to do it!

Now, this is Sara Kim, the creator of the tumblr being quoted by Elkins (being quoted by me... meta). I am aware that this is the internet and you all cannot see the face I'm making in reaction to this quote, so let me try to find something close enough on Google Images...

Mmm demotivational posters always know just what to say...

No SHIT people need to sleep! And yes, sleeping is a good way to sleep when you need to sleep. Jesus. We go to Williams, people. Say wittier things than that if they're going to be put in a newspaper for all of posterity to read.

Anyway, I would like to personally call out the Record and say that if there isn't an article about the Crammys in there soon, I will... do something... really bad. Just give me some time to think up something. But believe me, you won't want me to do it, I'm sure....

Enough of vague threats that I doubt I'll follow through with. Sora (yup I know your name) I do kind of dig the blog so keep it going. I'm sure you could find some way more embarrassing pictures to throw in there if you tried. I would support that. And Elkins... eh. Don't use the world Muploads anymore. You are not a betch and you are not Jim Henson.

Everyone else, submit some sweet pieces about Crammys to the Record or WSO or the New York Times, ya know, whatever. And stop emailing me about writing another Williams-related fashion themed blog post. It's coming. In the meantime, it's Thursday and I'm going to drink. Maybe I'll see some of you out there tonight. Or tomorrow.

Buh Bye,

Pandora