Your Plans for Reading Period... Change them.

Okay, okay, it's alright, you can stop crying, I'm happy to be back, too.

I really just want to get right into things, and although I'm sure you all want some sort of explanation of my absence for the last couple of months, I'm not sure it would be fair for me to discuss how I spent my time off from blogging waking up at around 11, drinking heavily spiked Arnold Palmers, and getting a ferocious sun tan while you all worked in Sawyer until the nerd bell chimed, clicking the refresh button on my blog and quietly sobbing to yourself about how meaningless your life has become.

So! The sun is shining! Christmas Break is upon us! No snow has accumulated to hinder your trek to Griffin at 8:30 in the morning, you miserable saps. Rite Aid is absolutely stocked with all of the amphetamine-related study drugs you could ever need! So what could I possibly have to complain about? And I'm not taking the easy route here... we all know that finals suck. But you know what else sucks? All of our parties fucking SUUUUCK. All. Of. Them.

When are the chicks getting here, and how have we already run out of beer?

If I have any freshmen reading this blog right now who are thinking to themselves, 'pfft please, I have a great time at all these Williams partaays!' -- I am sorry to disillusion you. The parties you have been going to are not actually good parties (although I'm sure they're better than whatever high school shit it is you were used to). Unfortunately, the only fun that was had on campus since this semester started happened while you were all orient-ing either in the woods or walking over bridges or whatever the hell there is to do besides WOOLF. Those, and the ones that happened when you were blackout in your entry during Homecoming. But generally, once classes have started, day drinking is suddenly discouraged, and the only sanctioned party nights are Friday and Saturday. And even then, half of your friends are gonna be all, "ooh I totally want to go out tonight but I might be getting sick or something and also I have a lot of work and I should be getting up early because I am a huge saggy pussy." The other half will rip eight shots at once and go to the ER.

Oh, now I'm nostalgic for freshmen year... those late nights in Mission, thinking I was smarter than my classmates and cooler than the upperclassmen at Meadow. Learn from my mistakes! You are NOT smarter than your classmates, and when you pretend you are you just look dumber. And you are DEFINITELY not more welcome at any given party than an upperclassmen, and when you pretend you belong there people just make fun of you behind your back. Or to your face. I digress.

There are six major categories of parties at Williams. As you all should know by now, I love lists, so I will list these out for you, along with pros, cons, and what to expect at each kind of party along with a brief description. What? I just want to be helpful! Also I get extra credit for going above and beyond. A+, me!


KEGGER


Pros:

• If you want to get drunk, this is the party you know you can get to blackout level
  
• Guaranteed to see plenty of new faces!
• Normally so loud, you don't need to think of anything interesting to say
• Slutty dress is expected, even during the deep freeze of Williamstown winter
• Hookup probability: high
• See new places on campus!
• You can be the life of the party and do a keg stand
• People watching at its prime

Cons:

• If you show up past 11, the keg will probably be finished
• Guaranteed to run into that bad one night stand you never wanted to see again and whose texts you've been ignoring!
• Normally so loud, you misinterpret that guy from your chemistry class and make an asshole out of yourself (he said "wanna go upstairs" not "we do our labs in pairs")
• It's always fucking sweaty and smelly and hot and all your makeup will run down your face
• STD probability: high
• See the grossest places on campus!
• Do a keg stand and chip your tooth then immediately puke on the people holding you up!
• Watching people make horrible life decisions... like a slow-motion train wreck (sometimes a pro)

"Hey, I hear [insert off-campus housing or co-op here] has a keg..." DO NOT LET THESE WORDS FOOL YOU. Just because there is a keg does not mean there is going to be a lot of beer/any fun at all. Most often, the people who buy the keg will get it around six and start drinking then, along with their closest 20 or so friends. So, odds are, by the time you get to their party (think midnight or later) the beer will be gone, the upperclassmen will be blackout, and you will be standing ankle deep in beer and other bodily fluids. Never take your shoes off at a kegger. Never use the restroom on the ground floor. Don't drink the punch/whatever is in that bottle being passed around. Never go into the fridge. Oh, and hold on to your cup like your life depends on it.

If you are drunk enough to attempt a Gargoyle, do not attempt a Gargoyle. ESPECIALLY without a couple extra pairs of hands to hold up the keg/you. You will most probably either break your face or twist your ankle. Don't say I didn't warn you.

CLUB/ORGANIZATION EVENT


Pros:

• You know who to expect
• Probably enough drinks to go around
• Opportunity to play some kind of a drinking game
• Become super bestie best friends with that person you talked to that one time
• Wear whatever
• Become familiar with certain group-y terms and feel cool (i.e.: BP, FRR, ditto, tennis tuesdays, dizzy bat, 3 man, tron dance)
• Build a routine (every ___day I go to ____ and drink a box/bottle/can/bucket/trophy of ______)

Cons:

• Always the same people, and somehow only the annoying ones are staples at these events
• Drinks are often very specific and gross (Colt45 and Guinness? Mixed together? Hellooo vomit.)
  
• Drinking games = blacking out quickly, as well as a high probability of rage/broken property/broken body parts/regretful texts
  
• Give your number to everyone then get a bunch of random texts you don't recognize and never reply to and feel like a total asshole when you later ask for someone's number and realize they've already given it to you. AND you've been ignoring their texts.
  
• Always feel either overdressed or underdressed
• Become labeled as part of a 'cult'
• Build a routine of never going to class/doing your homework on the nights your organization has certain events

I wasn't really sure what to call this kind of a party, but we have all inevitably been to one. These are the parties hosted by club/IM sports (no, I do not know the difference aaaand no, I do not care) like WUFO, rugby, or water polo. They can be hosted by a club, like an a capella group, theater group, dance group, or some other student-run organization. If NBC hosts a party like this, you will probably be welcome to join, you'll just feel like an inadequate dancer and spend the whole party with a cocked head trying to figure out the physics of a single-cheek booty shake. If you go to WUFO's BP on Fridays, you will have plenty to drink, but will awkwardly stand around while people play strange and impossible frisbee games. If you go to Ditto, you will puke. These parties can be fun if you're a member of said club (unless too many non-members show up), or if you know enough members to not feel like the dweeby corner kid who keeps sneakily grabbing beers from the open 30 in the middle of the room. Either you're gonna be there for like fifteen minutes before you decide to bounce, or it will consume your entire night.


PREGAME-CUM-PARTY


Pros:

• Guaranteed booze
• Don't need to get dressed/made up for (this is mainly a pro for girls, or boys who like to wear makeup... I'm not judging)
• You can be a music nazi (you all know what I'm talking about... the dude hovering over the iPod waiting to switch to his next selection and NO YOU CANNOT CHOOSE THE NEXT SONG)
• Just your friends
• Starts early enough in the night to guarantee a strong buzz by 10:30  

Cons:

• Have to pay for all the booze. Say goodbye to sixty bucks because I guarantee no one will 'throw you a couple bucks' to 'cover for libations'
• When your friend invites your friend's friends, and then he invites all of his friends, you suddenly are in a hosting position where you might not have enough alcohol for everyone, and you definitely aren't dressed sexy enough to see that guy from last weekend again
• Music nazis fucking suck unless you are the music nazi, which you won't be
• Everyone trashes your common room, pukes in your trashcans, and invites themselves to sleep over on your couch. Oh, and your parents are coming tomorrow morning, awesome.
• You had plans to go out and be social before thirty kids showed up at your door demanding some entertainment
  
• Scramble to get balls and cups/more beer
  

Uh, no, I do not mean a pregame-cum party. And I don't mean a pregame cum-party. Those are both con-free, I would assume. I mean, of course, that awesome pregame that you plan for like two weeks with your besties with only your favorite drinks and a playlist burned by the Tuesday before the pregame even happens. That pregame that, inevitably, is so freaking awesome no one wants to leave to move on to the 'game,' so instead they text everyone they would normally see out to congregate at your pregame. At first, it's just a couple of people, and that's cool and everything, but then suddenly people you don't even recognize are showing up and drinking your appletinis without even asking! The bastards. And you can't leave because they're IN YOUR FUCKING ROOM. LEAVING CUP MARKS EVERYWHERE. EYEING YOUR CLOSET. Can you tell I harbor some resentment for these? I've hosted a couple of these monstrosities myself. Not a fan. And I feel super awkward if I go to one, like, I can tell I wasn't really wanted here, but I'm here anyway because... hey! That's where everyone else is.




WILLIAMS SPONSORED EVENT


Pros:

• Loud music + lights off = MAJOR grind sesh
• Libations galore!
  
• See tons and tons and tons of people you know
• Score an easy hookup
• Be an outrageously bad dancer without any apparent judgment
• Sometimes famous people come and play music

Cons:

• Loud music + lights off = MAJOR regretful decisions
• You need a bracelet to score libations, and chances are if you're at a Williams sponsored event, you aren't 21. Good luck sweet talking your way to getting one... it can be tricky tricky
  
• See tons and tons and tons of people you know and don't want to see at all/have been avoiding for months
  
• Score a disgustingly drunk and messy hookup
• Be an outrageously bad dancer with plenty of judgment to go around
• Sometimes, ACE will attempt to pick a group to perform for us, but that's only about twice a year and they consistently suck with very few exceptions

First Fridays is only fun when you're a Freshman. After that, only First First Fridays really has the same appeal to upperclassmen. Queerbash is gone (fuck whoever decided that... honestly the best party of the year). Themed Goodrich parties are sometimes ok, but no one comes dressed in theme because they want to be able to go to other parties and not look dumb, ok? Oh, and the concert picks are awful. Like, really? I see some of the people who go to Middlebury, Amherst, and Tufts and I want to die. How did we end up with Gym Class Heroes and Mike Posner? Did you know that back in the day they had artists like Afroman, Guster, and Gunther (whose show was so legendary that it literally broke Goodrich's stage). WTF, guys? HOW DID WE GET STUCK WITH POSNER? Disgraceful.

Who's male? Who's female? THAT'S the beauty of QueerBash. BRING IT BACK! THE YOUNGER GENERATIONS DESERVE TO EXPERIENCE IT!

But what sucks most of all about all parties at Williams? I have found after careful and extensive research* that there are three factors missing from Eph-paloozas, without which we cannot hope to thrive in a successful party atmosphere. I can only hope that once I arm you all with the knowledge of what is broken in our system, you can break the cycle of suckyparty blindness and we can heal as a community. And then rage as one, too.

1. Stay at parties more than twenty minutes.

Seriously guys. I'm seriously. I know that when you first show up to that Spencer dance party at 11 absolutely no one is there and no one is dancing and ohmygod it's sooo lame but hold your horses! This is where a nasty cycle can be identified. X is hosting a dance party in Spencer. They bought ten 30s and have stashed them strategically throughout the building so even if security rolls through they won't be broken up. They text Y,Z,P,Q, and all the other letters of the alphabet telling them that they should come. They all asks X 'who's there? iz it funnn?' to which X of course has to lie and say it's bumping, otherwise none of them will come and they won't tell their friends to come and then X's party will be ruined. So X lies, and Y shows up first with three people. No one else is there so they quickly leave. Which is right when P shows up with five people, sees that no one is there, and then leaves. See where I'm going here? Meanwhile, they're all texting all their friends 'jk spencer sux goin to goodrich' while everyone who was first going to Goodrich is texting everyone they know 'omg no1s here, where is good?' Just MAN UP and stick it out! Parties die for only two reasons: either they run out of booze, or people leave on a hunch that maybe another party could be cool, too, and then suddenly what could be a super sweet dance party is a mostly empty room with four drunk freshmen girls dancing in a circle in the middle.


2. Stop making excuses to not party.
So what it's fucking Tuesday? Tuesdays can be fun! How about before dinner you put all the effort into your homework that you were going to put into your homework after dinner. Get your shit done before 10 and suddenly Tuesday is a totally viable night to rage. Maybe not blackout-rage, because some people have class or whatever the next day, but you make your own excuses. If you think you have a hundred reasons not to go out on Wednesday, you probably have three thousand reasons you should go out that you're just ignoring. Sometimes, it's okay to take the night off from being the ideal Williams student and let loose, just a little bit.


3. Don't be afraid to have fun.
Go all out for theme parties... if everyone does, then you won't look like an asshole, you'll look cool and creative. If there's music on, dance! Or, in some cases, nod your head to the music because you're an awful dancer. Take stupid pictures, and make an asshole out of yourself with your friends. Laugh hard, and never refuse a free drink. And, above all else, remember: Never Apologize for Partying.


Homecoming, camp Williams, Senior Week, Keg Races, and Roasts/Boils are all exceptions to the otherwise pervasive suckiness of Williams parties. So, if you can, I would highly suggest attending all of these events. Otherwise, how about you put some of strategies I've provided you with into practice this weekend (yes, I know it's reading period. Try to take at least one night to relieve yourself temporarily of the overwhelming stress of finals). I'll be watching... I have high hopes for you fuckers.


JK, I don't. We're too smart to party hard.


Please prove me wrong,
Pandora

p.s. email me, tweet me, whatever. Oh, and have you noticed? I've been posting on In The 'Cac for a while now. Cheggit out.

p.p.s. I promise I won't leave for so long ever again.


*no sources cited/absolutely no research done while sober

Just don't call me late for dinner. Or a slut.

So I wasn't exactly planning for my return to Crammys after a two-month hiatus to be a radically feminist rant written from my brain (I normally like to stick with the whole not-serious commentary on Williams' fuckwittery written from the bottle of red wine next to my facebook-and-porn-and-sometimes-homework machine), but tomorrow is the Williams edition of SlutWalk and I have just a few words (honestly, just a few) to say about the matter.

For those of you who might not know, the SlutWalk is a protest march that started when a Canadian (friggin' obviously) police officer suggested that, and I quote: "women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized." Face, meet palm.

I'm in no way arguing that Constable Michael "Still A Virgin" Sanguinetti is not a total dipshit who needs some serious re-education, and I think that despite its downfalls, SlutWalk is definitely one of the most powerful feminist movements of my lifetime and is raising much-needed awareness about rape and victim-blaming. But come on... Who the fuck named this protest?

Maybe instead the Canadian police force should be warning potential offenders that they should "avoid assaulting women in order not to go to prison"... just a thought.

Some of you might be a little confused because, honestly, I have one of the foulest mouths on campus. It doesn't take a genius to just glance at my past posts and count the number of choice four letter words that pepper my writing more frequently than I say 'like' in real life (which, trust me, is a lot). I also own a book called "Cunt." Dont believe me? Here:

I'm not really sure how to flip images I took on Photobooth. Rest assured, this is not the Russian spelling of 'cunt', I am just lazy.

There are, however, two words I refuse to say even in a satirical blog. One is fag, the other is slut. What is my biggest issue with 'slut'? It is pure etymology. Slut, according to my favorite website Wikipedia (also the OED for you wiki-phobes), has been insulting women since around 1440 and was defined as something along the lines of a "dirty or slovenly woman." There is, of course, no equivalent term for men (don't try to tell me that 'man-slut' counts). After all, having a sexuality has never been a negative quality for a man to possess. With just one syllable, "slut" dictates that the ideal state of womanhood to be chaste and innocent, and demonizes any woman with any sense of sexuality.

“Slut” is a term entirely and inseparably tied up with women’s oppression. The organizers of the march claim that celebrating the word "slut", and promoting sluttish-ness in general, will help women achieve full autonomy over their sexuality. But the focus on "reclaiming" the word "slut" fails to address the real issue, and I think that the name (and encouraged dress) actually do a disservice to the movement. The term slut is so deeply rooted in the patriarchal binary view of women's sexuality that it is beyond redemption. We cannot "reclaim" something that was, from its inception, solely created to put us down. The continued use of this term cannot get us very far in challenging oppression.

LOL now I can put 'activist' on my resume AND show off my boobies! Will I see you girls at Sigma Nu tonight?

How about instead we try to expose the fucking zillions of ways that the law and our culture enable these enduring stereotypes about all types of women, regardless of their 'number' (side note: can not wait for that movie to come out). These stereotypes and words, even words as small as "slut," make it easier to commit and accept sexual violence because they undermine a woman's credibility when she reports it. The remarkable Gail Dines and Wendy Murphy said it best:

Whether we blame victims by calling them "sluts" (who thus asked to be raped), or by calling them "frigid" (who thus secretly want to be overpowered), the problem is that we're blaming them for their own victimisation no matter what they do. Encouraging women to be even more "sluttish" will not change this ugly reality. 

It is fucking pathetic and really exposes masculinity today. Why aren’t we telling men to stop raping women instead of having women celebrate this misogynistic term? Society does not say "don't rape." It says "don't get raped." How about we involve men a little more in these protests instead of scaring them away with the outrageous name and inappropriate dress? Seems to me that they're generally the ones who have the greatest ability to stop rape, so let's educate them and work with them.

Ugh, I just re-read all of this and I'm totally throwing my reputation as a bitchy party girl down the toilet. Now I'm a raging (still bitchy) feminist. Eh, whatever. I'll still go to SlutWalk, but you better bet your ass I'm not writing SLUT across my bare midriff.

TL;DR: I think rape is bad. So is the word "slut."

OK I promise you all a more fun entry, and I promise it will be soon. Sorry if I made your little brains hurt even more during midterms. No, wait, I'm not. Hope you learned something you ignorant dipshits.

Love you,
Pandora

p.s. Please don't correct my punctuation in this entry... There were so many fucking apostrophes and I got intimidated so I just kind of did whatever. You get the point.

p.p.s. Anyone besides me think it's a little weird that no one has been arrested at these protests for indecent exposure or anything while the people occupying Wall Street are getting arrested up the ass?

Holy Shit

Ok, everyone breathe. This is not a real post. I don't like to work at all during the summer. This includes posting.

I've been doing this instead. Suck it, ass-faces.

Don't worry, I will be back to posting once my Williams life re-starts this fall. Who knows, maybe I'll start a little earlier so I can give all the nervous incoming frosh something to shit their pants over.

Anyway, I just finished contributing to a NESCAC dictionary ('cactionary... so witty) for the awesomely awesome blog inthecac. You can check out the Williams page here. That's where you assholes come in. If you have anything to add to my definitions, email, comment, or tweet me. Otherwise, bask in the glory of my triumphant return to online blogging.

And remember kids, above all else: life, liberty, and the pursuit of illegal substances.
Pandora

Finals, here we come...

My stressed out comrades:

I started Crammys to be an outlet of procrastination for both me and all of Williamsia (the nation of Williams? Bear with me here, I'm cracked out) during midterms and finals time. Of course, this is a catch-22 because writing Crammys takes a bit of time, which I have very little of during finals.

I'll get you guys a great blog post very, very soon, but in the mean time I feel obliged to offer something to those looking to do absolutely anything but their homework. Soo...

Here. You're welcome.

It'll either make you feel way, way smarter and proud of your superior academic abilities, or the stupidity of these kids could noticeably lower your IQ just by association. But, hey, in case of the latter, you might become completely content with the mediocre effort you've put into your assignments and the C's you'll mostly likely get on them. Just remember: C's get degrees!

Although everyone says a liberal arts education will better me in the long-run, the only thing I see myself doing with my useless degree is hanging in on the wall and crying over it before I work my night-shift at the local strip club.

Also, I heard a rumor that the Williamstown Rite Aid has run out of Ritalin. I'm foreseeing mass panic in the near future. In the meantime... #goodthingialreadyfilledmyprescription #thanksdrminer #iknowthisisnttwitter #imjustpracticing

You know the drill. Email. Twitter. Blah blah blah.

Pan-dork-a

P.S. Contemplating using one of those pay-for-some-poor-Harvard-student-to-write-your-essay websites (so glad I'm not poor right now). What is the general consensus on these? Comment and weigh in... interested in all of your opinions

He's a good bro. And thorough.

Can I just start off by saying that I have a life outside of this blog, and that you obnoxious losers should be fucking kissing my feet for posting at all, let alone once a week. I do a lot of things besides step into my Pandora shoes to make "scathing observations" about you guys (who just make it sooo easy).... I bowl, I drive around, the occasional acid flashback. So everybody just chill the fuck out when I take two weeks off. Seriously, go find some other blogs. The internet is a great big world. Watch some porn or something. I don't know, and I don't give a shit, just do something that does not involve whining to me about how you're bored and want to read more Crammys. Obviously, what I write is really cream of the crop as far as blogs are concerned, but life does not stop and start at your convenience, you miserable piece of shit. So shut the fuck up. I have a life, I'm doing me. Relax. I'm not going anywhere...

Although if you do decide to watch porn in between Crammys posts... You should know... The stories are ludicrous.

So I was super busy, but also on top of that I was just immensely uninspired. I was sort of mentioned in the Record (allegedly, I didn't actually read it myself but was told about it. Like I said, I read the Record ONLY for SSB...), but by that point I didn't even care any more if I was in it or not. I get bored pretty easily, so I'm now bored of trying to be in the Record and I've moved onto bigger and better papers (NYT here I come...)

But, seriously, just everyone has been soo.... mediocre. No one is being awesomely awesome, and no one is being exceptionally lame/stupid/annoying. Thank goodness I've had a bit of a pet project going on this entire time, otherwise this would be a post about nothing filled with obscure quotes (although they do really tie the room together). Lucky for you, my loyal readers, ever since my canvas hat post I have been studiously observing bros. And, finally, I think I've gathered enough data to write a descriptive post on the douches (no, I'm not sorry I just called them douches. They love that shit, they eat that shit for breakfast)

Bro-ing Out: a sport for all seasons

There are so many subdivisons of bro-dom, and I'm not going to pretend to be able to list or explain them all, but I can give you a brief overview of the different divisions of bros most common at Williams.

I know that most bros hate to read, unless it's about themselves. So, enjoy:

The Lax Bro

Wears: A bunch of random shit. I can't figure this fucking team out. They dress like my grandma circa 1980 and get laid like a bunch of motherfuckers. They're either wearing their bright pink Lacoste shirt they bought down at the Vineyard last summer, or they're rocking a two dollar piece of shit they found at the Women's Exchange. These bros love wearing sandals above all else, but when wearing shoes (read: boat shoes), they refuse to have ANY part of their sock showing. Also, if you see a bro rocking the most out of control, ugly-ass facial hair you have ever seen, paired with hair that makes you both nauseated and weirdly jealous at the same time, chances are he's a lax bro.

Located: I swear to fucking god, I only see lax bros either at Sawyer or at a nasty Meadow party. I rarely see them walking to class. They're never in Paresky or Goodrich or Tunnel City. Apparently they all get their food from some mysterious source, because they're never in any dining halls. I dunno, maybe they play down their broishness when they aren't raging together, but that doesn't explain why I always spot half of the god damn team in the library every time I'm in there. I guess since they all were accepted to play lacrosse (or because they're fifth generation legacy or something ridiculous) they have to spend every waking moment that they aren't drinking or playing N64 in the library studying like it's finals period.

Pick-up Strategy: Before I even start with this category, let me preemptively shut all of you annoying commenters up who are going to tell me that I'm way too fat and/or ugly and/or annoying to know anything about pick-up strategies first hand. You're wrong; I do. Remember? Williams is working on the binary system... most girls here have seen the game y'all are trying to spit at us (and we're severely unimpressed). So anyway, here is a quick lax-bro pick-up guide: 1) fervently assert that you aren't like all of the other "lax bros"
2) say something endearing and relatively earnest sounding, but don't worry, it can be complete bullshit ("You seem like a girl I can just really be myself around" or "I love that you don't wear a ton of makeup because you're so gorgeous without it anyway")
3) politely invite her back to your room to continue your discussion about whatever she's been rambling on about for the last 25 minutes ("No pressure! I just wanna get out of here and I love talking to you so much")
4) bang her. (condom optional)
5) make up some excuse of why you need her to go back to her room ("I have practice tomorrow morning!" or "You can stay if you really want but I'm just going to sleep right now")
6) text all your bros about it (all. of. them.)
7) never make eye contact with her again

The Avid Sports Fan Bro


Wears: Official gear of the                  . Always. It's either a hat (flat-brimmed for special occasions, carefully worn brim for the everyday, almost constantly backwards), a jersey, jacket, sweatpants, or fucking big-ass tattoo on their forehead. If you meet a bro, only get to talk to him for 2 or 3 minutes, and are left wondering which sports team he supports, then he is not an avid sports fan bro (fan bro, for short). Extra points if his jersey is vintage, and negative points if it's a customized jersey with his name instead of an actual players.

Located: '82 grill. With their other bros, of course. And lucky for them, there's no service down there so they have a legitimate excuse to not answer any texts from the 'clingy bitches' they 'hook up with' (aka any female who texts them at all). Also, Subway. They're there at the most random fucking times, too. Like, 3:15 on a Wednesday dude, what are you doing? Gettin' a god damn Italian BMT footlong because even though I idolize athletes, I am a fat lazy fuck who is probably really hungover and just getting out of bed.

If you can name this sub from just looking at the picture, you're probably a fan bro. If you just realized that you're drooling like one of Pavlov's dogs, you should probably cut down on the Subway, bro.

Pick-Up Strategy: This one was tricky to hit on the head, but I think I got it. The trick was realizing that a lot of fan bros are perfectly content to just bro out with their other bro-y bros, and can be pretty picky about the girls they hook up with. Instead of a pick-up strategy, with these guys it's more of a test. They'll probably casually bring up their team/sport of choice in a conversation with you. If you show any interest in or understanding of their sport then watch the fuck out. The next 20 minutes are going to feel like a round of Trivial Pursuit from hell. But instead of winning little multi-colored plastic cheese wedges (god, I fucking love Trivial Pursuit), if you answer all of his tricky backhanded questions about current players on the team, w/l record, draft pick number, or whatever the fuck fan bros care about, you open the god damn flood gates of all the other random shit he's interested in which he will probably also secretly quiz you about until he's decided you've passed his test and can have forgettable sex in his room/shrine to his team. Unlike the lax bro, this bro will probably be so excited that he's found a girl that he can talk to about his homer love of the   _     team that he'll cling to you like socks fresh out of the dryer. Don't worry if you support his rival team; most of the fan bros I've met weirdly get off on that shit. Meanwhile, I even think about hooking up with a Yankees fan and I feel like fucking Robert Hanssen (don't get that reference? Try Google, idiot).

Boarder Bro (Brah)


Wears: Shorts. This doesn't seem like a defining feature at first, but think about it. You see some idiot kid walking to Griffin for his 9:55 AM class in shorts... and it's February? He's gotta be a boarder brah. Does he drive a Jeep? Say the word "stoked"? Own more Ray Bans and Costa Del Mars than any person ever should? This dude either surfs or snowboards. Maybe both. Check his Facebook, 90% of his pictures will be of him on some kind of board. These are the guys who correct you when you call his longboard a skateboard, and will talk for hours about his new trucks. All the surfers are interested in is catching the perfect wave, and the boarders are pretty much just stoned 24/7. This Brah's GPA is probably close to 2.1, and his resume lists interests like "Man V. Wild" and "chilling." The only place he's probably going to end up is either a ski resort or some beachy town in Mexico where the waves are killer, but so are the neighbors.

Located: Tunnel City. These bros are so utterly unconcerned with image that they don't give a shit if you spot them reading their large-font poetry book while sipping a cappuccino. They're also outside any time it's above 55 degrees. Usually shirtless. Almost always on some kind of board. If not, they're standing on a railing or picnic table bench pretending they're on some kind of board. There's a couple of these specimens on WUFO, so if you see a bunch of guys casually tossing a 'disc' in some quad, chances are they could be board brahs.

Pick-Up Strategy: These mother fuckers don't even have one. And the thing that sucks about it is these guys might be the hottest of the bro-brunch at Williams. Of course, that's just my opinion, there are plenty of laxtitutes here, and I know girls who will jersey chase at any cost, but in general the laid back demeanor of the board brah just makes him so fucking desirable. Maybe it's because he doesn't chase after anyone, or because his dream is to live on a beach (sigh, so carefree and tan), but there is something so elusively sexy about these guys. If you act too into it, you aren't 'chill' and therefore he won't hook up with you. If you ignore him or play hard to get, then it 'just wasn't meant to be.' You just have to be lucky, I guess. Or around him when he's stoned, which is pretty much always. Downside of this whole brah hook up thing is that instead of thinking about you when you're naked in bed together, he's probably thinking up the perfect wave or getting a stiffy imagining 12 fresh inches of pow-pow. Good luck trying to be with one of these guys, you will always be #2 after their preferred board sport. Or, any action sport, really. Or weed.

Put some ice on it. After that, there's nothing a few beers won't take care of. 

Obviously, this is only a brief, skimming the surface examination of broness. There are many more kinds of bros than I listed, and bros can definitely fall into more than one category. You might be thinking I've left out some key revelations when it comes to spotting a bro, and that was on purpose. There are some things that are the same no matter what kind of bro you are. 

If you are a bro, then:

• you are white. Sorry, not being racist here. Just saying. There's a couple of Asian bros, but mostly bro is a caucasian phenomenon.
• you like 'black' things. Sorry, this is a little racist. But just stuff like freestyling randomly or enjoying really fucking obscure dirty rappers. Or funny fist pump half hug greetings.
• you drink until you black out.
• you fucking live to black out- tipsy is not good enough. If you're going out with your bros, you're aiming for pure domination.
• you still think icing other bros is funny.
• you like kegs.
• you own multiple pinnys. Pennys. Whatever, I can see all of your armpit hair and sometimes your nipples and I think they're weird. They're just fucking tank tops, embrace it.
• 100% of your facebook pictures are of you with other bros, probably in some kind of homo-erotic pose, shirtless, drinking, or all three.
• you quote movies more than you think up your own things to say. You've probably jizzed your pants over the number of times I quoted the Big Lebowski during this post, or even Dazed and Confused (if you were sly enough to pick that one out).
• even more than drinking or going out, you love to tell stories about when you drank and went out, how much you drank when you went out, and what happened when you drank and went out (if cops are included in the story, bonus points). 
• you also love to tell stories about working out more than actually going to the gym to work out.
• you pretend to get a lot more pussy than you actually do (I feel ok saying pussy here because I know zero gay bros at Williams. Zero.)
• you have peed in a toilet about twice the entire time you've been on campus.
• you play poker. 
• you own American themed clothing and genuinely love it.
• you're so obsessed with your bros you don't mind emulating them in every way possible:

They tots mcgoats coordinated. Super cute.

I am sure I am missing a zillion things from this list, and I will definitely revisit the subject, but to be honest I haven't written a post in a while and I'm really fucking out of shape. Like, I'm exhausted. Doesn't help that it's 3 AM.

By the way, random question for all of my black readers (I have to have at least one or two of you, right?): I keep seeing promotional shit for Nappy Roots this Sunday... I'm afraid to RSVP to the event or ever mention it because... well, will that make me racist???? I just don't know. 

Okay, enjoy the post. It's a little overdue, but you can deal with it. Like any of you have turned in every assignment you've done on time.

You know the drill. Email me. Follow me on Twitter. Leave a lovely comment. Write about me on WSO... or submit something to the New York Times about me. No biggie, whatever.

Yours in brotastic bitchery,

Pandora

Victory is oh so sweet

GO. Discuss. Naima, thank you. I now surely will be famous.

- P

A Literary Review

Let me be clear. The ONLY reason I read the record is for Spring Street Blues. I looove to #2 Not Keep Up With The News, but SSB gives me just what I crave: juicy gossip with enough detail about where and when to let me fill in the blanks about who received a smoking citation, and which dumbass left her curling iron on and set off the fire alarm at eight in the fucking morning (way to go, moron). This week had a couple gems. Let me give you a brief summary:

• Stolen Williams-Sonoma vegetarian cookbook (?? who the fuck would want that)
• "Lots of evidence" of smoking after someone reported "cigarette" smell in Prospect
• A "Difficult Person" in Sawyer at 7:17 PM on a Friday (probably sobbing about how they had no life and were in the library on a Friday night)
• $100 stolen "sometime between March 19 and April 6"... I'm thinking that's a bit too wide of a window to do any real investigation, and that you accidentally spent it when you were black out and you and your fifteen friends just NEEDED Hot Tomatoes
• A noise complaint about some kids in Mission. They were "not being loud," but were drinking beer. I think someone was bitter they weren't invited and called security on yo asses

The best for last, which I will quote in its entirety: "2:05 a.m., Currier: Officers responded to a report of an intoxicated student running naked. Officers conducted a search of the building, but they didn't find anyone." Hahahahahahaha oh my GOD I frickin' love Spring Street Blues.

Ugh, side note, there is a small child throwing a temper tantrum outside of my dorm. I thought I went to a college, not a preschool? Why is there a toddler on campus at 7:30 at night?

Anyway, so I'm done reading the Blues, and I throw my copy of the Record down onto a table in Paresky when something catches my eye on the front page. Top right corner... "A look into the now-infamous blog of..." PSYCH. Not Crammys. But Ephs sleeping in public. I am already infuriated. First of all, aren't we the top liberal arts college in the country? Doesn't Kathleen Elkins, a staff writer for the record, know that infamous means "deserving of or causing an evil reputation; shamefully malign"?? I'm pretty sure that a tumblr, which the creator herself advertised on WSO, that clearly states that if anyone is uncomfortable about having their image posted they can email to have it removed is the COMPLETE opposite of evil, and that Sora Kim has the opposite of a bad reputation. Secondly... how has there been neither a WSO post NOR a Record article about this fucking blog yet? I know you idiots are reading it, I know some of you are pissed off beyond belief, I know some of you like it, I even know you guys talk about it in class. Why does stupid Sonya Kim get to boast about how she's famous on her blog before meeee? I can't help being bitter! I have on average over three hundred views daily (jumps up to around 800 when I post a new entry) and am somehow not written about anywhere. God damn it.

So, I'm fuming in Paresky with a half-crumpled Record in my hand trying to play it cool, and I haven't even read the damn article yet. So I shoved the fucking thing in my bag and stormed off to class where I could literally feel it burning a hole through my Longchamp onto my shin where it was sitting up against while my Prof droned on about God knows what, whatever it was it was way less pertinent than what was in this article. Finally, class gets out and I fucking book it home to read this mother.

So... I could give you literally a sentence-by-sentence review of this, uh, piece of journalistic... um, crap. I swear to you, I sat down with this fucker and a bright red pen and wrote down line-for-line a non-pussy re-write. Don't believe me? Here, look for yourself:

I read this shit more carefully than like 90% of my assigned readings.

I think maybe it would be mean spirited to rip this apart as much as I want to, I mean poor Elkins is only a frosh (but yes, Kathleen, your name is circled on there. You're on my radar now. Watching you) and maybe she doesn't understand what she's done (so you can sleep easy tonight. Or tomorrow afternoon in Paresky, you "serial napper"). And while I'm all for mean-spirited, I can't exactly trash her now as I've basically almost threatened her and I'm afraid that would cross the joke/real-life boundary (to clarify: I am joking right now, but if I had gone from serial napper to serial killer, probably would be more real-life territory). Anyway, she's obviously just writing in her comfort zone as she basically only mentions underclassmen in this entire article. But, it would be unlike me not to make a couple of constructive comments on the headline of the Features section.

First of all, the title of the article doesn't even make sense. The bubble of privacy has not been burst since if anyone at any time wants their picture removed, they just email Sasha Kim and it's as good as gone. Also, from my brief exploration of the site, it seems like most of this images are self-nominated and are from the same-ish group of friends (as the "witty captions" often just say something along the lines of "fourth time spotted!"). So already this is a losing battle.

Moving on, Elkins states that the tumblr account is "modeled off of the hit blog 'Asians Sleeping in the Library.'" First of all, that blog is like, super racist and stuff. Just because the description written by the author says that it is not racist (also claims the author is a handsome Jew... hm), the tagline for the damn blog is: "THEY'RE BETTER AT LIFE AND THEY GET BETTER GRADES THAN YOU FOR A REASON." And that reason is... they plan their sleep schedule even worse than they drive?? (finally, some good material for the dumbfuck who keeps calling my blog racist when I talk about hooking up and side-bangs... you aren't funny). Secondly, and back me up annoying readers whom I recently criticized, isn't that PLAGIARISM, not 'modeling'? I am very self-serving with my definitions of things, and I'm well aware of it so don't try to point out my double standards.

At least Ephs Sleeping in Public isn't racist, thank God, but the blog itself confuses the shit out of me. "Back" and "Forth" are the navigation links, which are vague and mildly sexual, although not in a way that excites me. Also I don't understand why only half of the word is highlighted when I scroll over it. There's also no background image or color or pattern and so I was easily distracted by the wide world of the internet after about two pages of browsing. Sorry, Sofia Kim. Just poor design, though, definitely fixable.

Lastly, I'm pretty sure that falling asleep in public is not a sign that we're academically gifted, pretty sure it's just a sign that we overwork ourselves to a stupid point where our health is compromised for an extra hour of study at night that really doesn't make a huge difference because we can't absorb information correctly past 2 AM. Uh, not to quote Charlie Sheen (because, come on, I'm way more original than that) but PLAN BETTER. Seriously, I've gone my entire Williams Career without falling asleep in public due to exhaustion from studying. And my academic record is pretty bad ass, if I do say so myself. Passing out from one too many car bombs, on the other hand, is a different story. Either way, the closing line of this article is... questionable.

Sometimes you just have to sleep, and taking a nap is one of the best ways to do it!

Now, this is Sara Kim, the creator of the tumblr being quoted by Elkins (being quoted by me... meta). I am aware that this is the internet and you all cannot see the face I'm making in reaction to this quote, so let me try to find something close enough on Google Images...

Mmm demotivational posters always know just what to say...

No SHIT people need to sleep! And yes, sleeping is a good way to sleep when you need to sleep. Jesus. We go to Williams, people. Say wittier things than that if they're going to be put in a newspaper for all of posterity to read.

Anyway, I would like to personally call out the Record and say that if there isn't an article about the Crammys in there soon, I will... do something... really bad. Just give me some time to think up something. But believe me, you won't want me to do it, I'm sure....

Enough of vague threats that I doubt I'll follow through with. Sora (yup I know your name) I do kind of dig the blog so keep it going. I'm sure you could find some way more embarrassing pictures to throw in there if you tried. I would support that. And Elkins... eh. Don't use the world Muploads anymore. You are not a betch and you are not Jim Henson.

Everyone else, submit some sweet pieces about Crammys to the Record or WSO or the New York Times, ya know, whatever. And stop emailing me about writing another Williams-related fashion themed blog post. It's coming. In the meantime, it's Thursday and I'm going to drink. Maybe I'll see some of you out there tonight. Or tomorrow.

Buh Bye,

Pandora

Noooope.

That's it. I was having a great day until I saw this. It's over 50 degrees you fucking morons. But seriously. I'm finished. I'm transferring. This was the last fucking straw.

Dealbreaker. I'm out. You fucking disgust me.

Bye forever. Not kidding.
Pandora

How's that stick up your ass feeling?

This is a short(er) post basically serving my self-interest. On a scale from one to funny, it is mainly angry. If you don't care about issues surrounding plagiarism, skip this post and wait a couple of hours until I post one you might enjoy more.

I usually am 100% unmotivated to respond to your stupid-ass comments. I actually sort of resent the comment section of Crammys with all of my tiny, dark, cold heart. Do you think it's fun to constantly have my Gmail open on my laptop, ipad, and smartphone to monitor and screen for "So-and-so is a fat stupid butthole whose father hates them and should kill themselves" tidbits you idiots spew at me on almost a daily basis? Because it's really not. However, I don't delete comments because I don't like them or because they make me look bad, I just delete stupid hate-filled ones that try to name names and encourage suicide/homicide/matricide/pesticide (not really up to date on my Law and Order murder terms, sorry).

So, you might have noticed a couple of comments on my previous post that accuse me of plagiarizing. I'm not going to indulge this too much, but I feel like I really need to clarify some things for you losers that have nothing better to do than examine my blog as if it were my thesis.

Oh, yes, what a great source to reference for my piece on etiquette for running into a one-night-stand in Paresky.

First of all, and I would like to recognize and commend the reader who pointed this out, I can guarantee that NONE of you have seen an entirely original comedy bit. I promise, there's isn't one that exists. And, in case you needed further clarification (read: in case you're a total fucking moron), this blog is not serious. I don't actually give a shit if you wear your overpriced coat and canvas hat around (although I do think they're atrociously ugly). Honestly, I do about 80% of the things I complain about, so either find some grown up underwear and learn to take a joke or go buy a box of tampons and get the fuck off the internet.

[Bah! Sexism! WSO post/Ephblog post! Rant about biological differences between men and women... aka women have ovaries and a brain... Whatever, go to WSO with that shit. Although, for the record, I am writing this blog from a kitchen.]

Secondly, this is a blog, not a fucking dissertation. I'm in the fun anonymous world of the interweb, and if I see something that makes me laugh, I will use it without citing it because I can. Because I'm not abiding by any honor code. Because even though I'm stealing some ideas, I'm using them in my own way to make YOU laugh, not to get ME a grade. Come on, Williams, take the giant dildo out of your ass and just accept Crammys for what it is. It's not your job to grade me or dissect what I say. It is your job to read, laugh (or cry if you're a baby/loser), and write about me on WSO and make me famous.

Also, believe it or not, I got an email after my Reader Emails post (in which I claim to break the Honor Code) that said:

You authoritatively SUCK at...

....breaking the honor code.

By block-quoting all of your letters, you provided clear and unambiguous attribution of those ideas/text that were not your own. Ergo, you fail, and will clearly just have to try harder to actually piss people off.

So, there, reader. Happy? I broke the Honor Code, and I broke it good (and pissed some people off, although that happens regardless of my originality). Although if I were intentionally trying to plagiarize I would have a) copied and pasted this blog (GENIUS!), and b) would have stolen more than 55 words (out of about 2,500).

So... chill out, two commenters who are concerned about my citing ability. I have shit to do on this campus that doesn't involve blogging for your pleasure, so just take what I give you instead of being thankless assholes who complain about something that has been happening in comedic writing since way before you were drooling and shitting your pants (which is a reference to when you were a baby, not a reference to last weekend).

Still have a problem with it? I would normally say something about emailing me here, but I just don't give a shit about breaking the (non-existant) blogging code of conduct and am formally dropping the subject.

Sorry that I'm not even close to sorry.
Pandora



P.S. While I'm commenting on things that are boring and unfunny, I see that over half of the views I get come from Safari (Yes, I can see who views me, what browser they use, and what terms in Google you use to find me). Guys- Cut it out. Seriously. Just go download Firefox 4. Even Chrome is better than fucking Safari. You're welcome.

Do I have to spell it out for you? Yes? Fine...

Alright. Here it goes, I'm not fucking around anymore... Hooking up at Williams. 


There are two schools of thought: 


It's just hooking up. Maybe it's made a little more complicated by our tiny and incestuous community, but it's not like people cross over from North Adams to Williamstown and suddenly and involuntarily have their entire world views shifted from normal 'outside of the Purple Bubble' stance, to some crazed and irrational Williams-induced haze. We over-analyze the shit out of hooking up here; from the weird and mildly entertaining hook-up skit during First Days, students are force-fed the idea that hooking up at Williams is different and complicated when really it's just as complicated and fucked up here as it is everywhere else. Let people figure hooking-up shit out on their own without the pretense that every action they take based on sexual desire or curiosity is clearly defined by being at Williams. If we keep examining the hook up culture here, we're going to overanalyze ourselves into a coma and completely screw ourselves out of ever having a good time without second guessing our every move.


or...


The culture at Williams is different at the very core of it's nature. We're a select [read: geeky and/or dweeby] group of people who share a lot of common traits [read: geekiness and/or dweebiness], but also come from a variety of extremely diverse backgrounds. Everyone heads into school thinking that hooking up means one thing based on their experiences elsewhere, but then they're forced to change their perspective and actions based on the pre-existing notion of hooking up that has been a part of Williams culture since before they came to campus. Maybe at home your high school was so big that a girl could, ehm, explore her options without direct consequence to her reputation. Serious dating might be your only experience, or maybe you haven't ever had a significant other in your life. Or, maybe hooking up wasn't something that was ever discussed with you or even considered by you until you came to school. Then, bam! You get to Williams and everything changes and it's a giant clusterfuck (although, I guess not literally) of unwritten rules regarding hooking up. If we don't examine the hook up culture here, we won't be able to address it and fix it.


There is literally a Winter Study class taught on this shit (I wonder how many romances are sparked by the discussion there. My best guess is probably somewhere around... absolutely zero), and I feel like if I share with you all my personal view on the matter that it might spark some interesting and thought-provoking debate. Which I really, sincerely, do not want to do. This post has been way too cerebral so far anyway, so let's take it in a slightly different direction.


While my opinion on the matter may remain a bit of a mystery, I definitely have plenty of observations on how to (maybe) hook up right. I've made this post easy to follow, in list form, because most of you (despite having high IQs and great GPAs) are total dumbasses.  But, let's clarify what I mean by "hooking up" before we move on. 


The Webster's definition of hooking up says: Haha, just kidding! There is no definition of hooking up. You're on your own, sucka.


Seriously, it's always a challenging sea to navigate, but, to take the pussy way out of thinking of my own definition, hooking up is whatever you make it. Sometimes it's casual, sometimes there's something more behind it. It's making out, its orgies, hand jobs (does anyone still give hand jobs? Seriously, I'm really curious), it's whatever you want it to be.


Here is a list I've compiled of some people you might want to avoid hooking up with:

• People who are rude to waiters
• Girls; avoid guys with longer hair than yours. Guys; avoid girls with shorter hair than yours. It's a gender stereotype, sure, but stereotypes are sometimes loosely based in reality, and I've never pretended to be politically correct.
• People who make you feel bad for speaking
• People who make you feel bad
• People whose hobbies include jumping off of tall things in Youtube videos, writing anonymous blogs, or explaining every plot twist of Lost to me. Yes, it's the hundredth time you've explained this to me. No, I still do not understand what the smoke monster is. And, yes, I still don't give a flying fuck.
• Yankees Fans
• People who chew with their mouth open
• Blue Balls, from the Reader Emails post
• People who give you that pre-coitus disclaimer, like, “Just don’t fall in love with me, because I’m trouble/complicated/confused/constipated/an Animorph.”
• People who can't laugh at their puffy vests and gorgeous hair
• People whose height differs from yours by thirteen or more inches (for logistical reasons. Also, they might be children. Which, to clarify, is illegal.)
• Anyone on the ______ team. (Pick your poison)
• Ghosts or aliens. If you're in a situation that hooking up could even be a remote possibility with any supernatural being, probably just document it and earn mad bank for selling that shit to TMZ/Fox

Here is a short list I have compiled of people who you might want to consider hooking up with:

• People you want to hook up with who aren't mentioned on the above list

Now that you know who to aim for/avoid, I can begin to address the approach one might take for a successful hook up at Williams College. First, you must figure out what kind of hook up you're after. If you're simply in the game for some ass, aim to go out on a night where your possible prospects might be at the same level of intoxication as you (anywhere from sober to "I'll keep kissing you in a second, I just gotta run and puke real quick"). If you want a repeat hook up, whether just for ass reasons or maybe you're actually mildly interested in their brain-happenings, then probably you should try to remain coherent. If you're in this hook up game for a real-life relationship (or whatever Williams distorts a real-life relationship into), then go on a date before you explore the inside of their pants. Tuesdays at Images are a cheap and fool-proof solution to the "I desperately want some, but don't want to make an ass of myself because I also want to date this person" problem that arises from the lack of possible date venues in Williamstown (just FYI, Paresky is NOT romantic. I don't know how many god damn times I have to reiterate this point. I am fucking sick of watching people suck face at the snack-bar booths).

DO NOT ATTEMPT A FIRST TIME HOOK UP UNDER THE FOLLOWING SITUATIONS:

• Midterms or finals. People are just certifiably crazy during these crunch periods. They can't be held responsible for their actions, words, or beej's given during these weeks from hell. Thankfully, midterms are basically done and finals won't start for a while, so y'all are in the clear for a little bit here.
• Right before any break. Breaks as short as dead week count. You get involved in the whole weird texting situation... Should you text them a lot? Not at all? Some weird place in the middle? Then you have to de-code all of their texts because, like, are they annoyed by you? Do they want to text more? No one has any idea, because you only just hooked up with this person and you don't know anything about them. Just skip the drama and let the sexual tension build over break.
• Rebounds, unless you're into the whole no-strings-attached thing. And, if you are into the whole no-strings-attached thing, I should just warn you right now that it does not exist, so stop, and don't hook up with someone who is rebounding at all. Give the poor kid at least two weeks to figure out their bone-crushing agony before completely taking advantage of them. 
• Queer Bash. Unless you're ready to blur the line of your sexuality in a drunken, skanky, sweaty, anonymous way, in which case, Queer Bash might be your best-case venue.

So. You now know who to hook up with (and who to avoid), where/when to do it (and when to pledge celibacy). Now, you just need to figure out how to turn your plans, hopes, and dreams into action! Whoosh! [cue cheesy transition sequence]

First, you're going to need to warm up. I don't know about you, but I like to start out by screaming, "fat fuck! no one wants to hook up with your ugly face" in the mirror for twenty minutes. Once morale is properly boosted, you're going to want to go pick out some fancy clothes that hide how fat you've become from emotionally overeating to cope with your lack of hook up abilities. Girls, think empire waist, or high waisted skirt, or go to the gym. Guys: don't wear a button up shirt that's too small for you. Maybe you think we dont notice, but we absolutely can tell when your belly button pokes out from in between puckered layers of fabric that are stretched to their very limit trying to encompass your mass. Plus, you wouldn't want to pop a button and take someone's eye out, now would you? Or, you also could just put the hot wings down and go to the fucking gym.

Just to remind you, this isn't to help you find someone to hook up with. It's how to find a GOOD hook up. Sure, most girls probably don't have a huge problem finding someone who's willing to give them the goods, and I'm sure any decently nice guy can reel in a prospect or two if he casts enough lines into the sea of a drunken theme party. But I care about my readers. Really, I do. I don't want you to wake up the next morning and have to shove a pillow in your mouth to stifle your horrified gasp of realization. No, let's instead aim for a gasp of excitement, shall we?

How to flirt correctly:

• Make eye contact
• Smile
• Laugh at their jokes. Try to make this not look and sound completely forced
• If they're being serious and not making any jokes, don't laugh. Nod encouragingly.
• Ask questions! Count how many times you say the word "I." If you go into double digits, shut up.

You're doing it wrong if:

• The other person is crying
• You say the word "love." Just... don't do it. Way too many chances for misinterpretation. Actually, while I'm on the subject, don't mention marriage, children, or the dream you may have had about them the other night.
• They walk away while you're speaking to them
• You find yourself talking about your stance on politics, religion, or money. Pro-Life? Pro-Choice? Doesn't matter, because you won't find yourself in the position where having a potential offspring could even be physically possible if you keep talking about where on the political spectrum you sit. Trust me, you're going to offend someone. I promise.
• You keep checking your phone for texts to look cool. Maybe you're playing hard to get (and Angry Birds!), but you look like a douche.
• You bring up your ex. Or their ex.
• You talk about how someone else around you is good looking. Nope, don't do that. You want to act like as far as you're concerned, you're with the prettiest girl/boy at the ball!

Now you've set the foundation for a solid hook up. But what if you realize mid-flirtation that you don't really think that the obnoxious, wildly feminist, fresh from a bad breakup chick fits your chill "I want to have a beer with W" womanizing persona? Don't worry about it. Just bail. Sure, you might look kind of like a creepy jerk at the time, but it's better than getting involved in something that will drain the life and hope out of you faster than a rainy day spent entirely in Sawyer.

But what if, just what if, everything goes to plan? Oh my god, you're on your way home with Dreamy McDreamster who is totally into you. You're so close to hook up nirvana... You've basically closed the deal, the only thing standing in your way is the next ten minutes. Which is, incidentally, just enough time to fuck it all up.

Don't:

• Make any jokes. You're nervous, so they probably won't be funny and then you'll have to laugh at your own jokes and look like a crazy person, which is not sexy
• Make any overly aggressive moves. Like, if you're casually getting into/onto bed with them and they take their jeans off (because lying around in jeans is horrifically uncomfortable), do not take this as an open invitation to strip naked as fast as you can and jump into bed. 
• Keep your phone's ringer on. Just remove the distraction to answer a text from your friend mid-makeout and put that shit on silent. Or, even better, turn it off.
• Speak without thinking. This is kind of the time when you accidentally word-vomit out a bunch of deal breakers. Keep the suppressed childhood memories suppressed. Did they do something that reminded you of a previous hook up? Don't say a word. Basically, play it safe and don't bring up ANY new information about yourself during this ten minute window.

If you've done it all right, plus were having a good hair day (took my Mane 'N Tail advice, did you?) and luck was on your side, then congratulations. You've mastered hook up culture at Williams. Still struggling even with all of the advice I have so lovingly bestowed upon your unworthy brain muscles? Well that's obviously your fault and not mine. These lists are pure gold, and if you're smart you'll treasure them as such.

Hope you're all satisfied with my Williams-related post. Probably none of you were ready for it, but boom. There it is. Deal with it.

Any more hook up insights? Comment them... or even email me your best moves ;) Emoticon flirting... I'm doing it right.

Undefeated,

Pandora

P.S. As the post directly below this one states (yes, I'm aware of my repetitive nature), I now have a twitter. Check it out. Add me to your follow-y list? I'm still getting the hang of this twatter thing... kids these days.