It's Not Sunny in Sawyer

It's midterms time again... that beautiful time of the year when the snow is dirty, the ground is muddy, and the sun shines for about twenty minutes a day. Obviously, our kind and thoughtful professors realize that we need something uplifting during this otherwise bleak fortnight. So, to top it all off, we get the sleep-deprived, panic inducing, friendship destroying, stress eating clusterfuck that IS midterms.

Probably, yes, I could complain about how much work I've been assigned in the insanely small amount of time between now and Spring Break, but to be completely honest I'm a little fucking sick of hearing from literally every person I have spoken to that O.M.G. they have this essay due in only six hours (um, six hours is plenty of time for 10 pages you lazy son of a bitch) and "Ha ha oh my goodness, why on Earth did we go to WILLIAMS?! Ha ha ha!" Oh, maybe because it's the fucking number one school in the country. I knew what I was getting into, you knew what you were getting into, so shut the fuck up and bend over and accept it like a champ.

Sawyer and Schow really are sorry sights to behold this time of year. Completely packed from noon till the nerd bell chimes. I swear, I'm not sure how people can stand to spend more than two or three hours there at a time without going clinically bat-shit crazy. At least Schow has high ceilings that give the illusion that there might be hope in this world after all, but Sawyer is a poorly lit and horribly decorated version of prison. I remember on my tour of Williams my tour guide pointed out the monkey carrels, saying that they were an "extremely popular" place on campus. Well, I'm sorry I don't feel like studying in a solitary confinement cell with a single fluorescent light that illuminates the desperate graffiti of those who came before me while I sit on a decrepit foam bench.

Regardless of its oppressive nature, the library is still a public place on campus. So it blows my mind to see the state that some people are in when they are studying there. Although the bizarre fashion choices I've seen at Williams are certainly not limited to the library. A typical outfit for a female eph can consist of either yoga pants or leggings, black of course, a long-sleeved shirt from some high school club, a puffy vest (because their tits need to stay warm? I've never fucking understood vests...), running shoes that have obviously never been worn for any exercise besides random guilt induced three-hour bouts on the elliptical, and to top it all off... the big fat cherry on top of this hot-mess sundae:

Because when I think of Williams, I think of flowers and the number 93. That makes sense.

The shapeless, canvas, pastel baseball hat that is literally never worn in support of a sports team. Mostly, these ugly pieces of shit display the title of their dad's company that hosted some horrible alumni picnic and handed out free pens and cheaply made hats. Oh, your dad works for Goldman-Sachs and got you that sweet baby blue hat? I'm sure he had to have real athletic prowess in order to go into finance! So, baseball hats make total sense for them to make! Or even better- hats that display some waspy brand. Do they make a Hunter Boots canvas hat? Longchamp? Hermes? How do I even fucking say that name? I always feel like a total moron but I took Spanish in high school and I speak English and we pronounce our consonants here. Don't worry about what your hair looks like under this hat since the people who wear them never take them off. Like, seriously, it's not windy at Tunnel City and the sun isn't blinding you in Sawyer, so take your fucking baseball hat off because you're indoors and it makes no sense to be wearing such athletic clothing with your pearls on while you drink coffee. If you try to work out after you drink that you're probably going to shit yourself... Just saying. Either way you look like crap.

But it's ok! If you're feeling dapper you can always throw on a scarf to really spice up your look.

Now we're fancy.

The weirdest part about this outfit is that often guys who are hooking up with these girls will literally be wearing the same thing, except their pants are athletic sweatpants (gray, most of the time) and their hats are backwards and often for a legitimate sports team. I've also never personally seen any guy, straight or gay, at Williams wearing one of the typical fringed scarves, and I honestly hope it stays that way. [EDIT: Just walked through Paresky and was proven wrong. God damnit, Williams] I know that sometimes people will mirror the actions of the person they are interested in, but everyone here is already so similar that it seems a little incestuous that we dress alike as well.

Now, I know that not EVERYONE at Williams wears this outfit, but everyone here DOES look like shit during midterms. Not that I can blame anyone, I mean I feel like crap so why not just fuck it all and dress in clothes that I would regularly wear only if I had the flu or was hiking? Here is the answer: because even though it is midterms and you feel like shit, people can still see you. So maybe don't wear eyeliner and your best Vineyard Vines belt to pound out three essays in Schow, but at least pretend to try every once in a while. Seriously, it can put you in a better mood if you know that even though you very easily could be failing Chemistry, you look damn good.

Got a problem with me? Pissed I used a picture of you without asking? (Don't put it up on facebook, then...) Have an idea for something I should write about? email me at crammystips@gmail.com

Releasing all hell since 2011,
Pandora