Can I just start off by saying that I have a life outside of this blog, and that you obnoxious losers should be fucking kissing my feet for posting at all, let alone once a week. I do a lot of things besides step into my Pandora shoes to make "scathing observations" about you guys (who just make it
sooo easy).... I bowl, I drive around, the occasional acid flashback. So everybody just chill the fuck out when I take two weeks off. Seriously, go find some other blogs. The internet is a great big world. Watch some porn or something. I don't know, and I don't give a shit, just do something that does not involve whining to me about how you're bored and want to read more Crammys. Obviously, what I write is really cream of the crop as far as blogs are concerned, but life does not stop and start at your convenience, you miserable piece of shit. So shut the fuck up. I have a life, I'm doing me. Relax. I'm not going anywhere...
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| Although if you do decide to watch porn in between Crammys posts... You should know... The stories are ludicrous. |
So I was super busy, but also on top of that I was just immensely uninspired. I was sort of mentioned in the Record (allegedly, I didn't actually read it myself but was told about it. Like I said, I read the Record ONLY for SSB...), but by that point I didn't even care any more if I was in it or not. I get bored pretty easily, so I'm now bored of trying to be in the Record and I've moved onto bigger and better papers (NYT here I come...)
But, seriously, just everyone has been soo.... mediocre. No one is being awesomely awesome, and no one is being exceptionally lame/stupid/annoying. Thank goodness I've had a bit of a pet project going on this entire time, otherwise this would be a post about nothing filled with obscure quotes (although they do really tie the room together). Lucky for you, my loyal readers, ever since my canvas hat post I have been studiously observing bros. And, finally, I think I've gathered enough data to write a descriptive post on the douches (no, I'm not sorry I just called them douches. They love that shit, they eat that shit for breakfast)
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| Bro-ing Out: a sport for all seasons |
There are so many subdivisons of bro-dom, and I'm not going to pretend to be able to list or explain them all, but I can give you a brief overview of the different divisions of bros most common at Williams.
I know that most bros hate to read, unless it's about themselves. So, enjoy:
The Lax Bro
Wears: A bunch of random shit. I can't figure this fucking team out. They dress like my grandma circa 1980 and get laid like a bunch of motherfuckers. They're either wearing their bright pink Lacoste shirt they bought down at the Vineyard last summer, or they're rocking a two dollar piece of shit they found at the Women's Exchange. These bros love wearing sandals above all else, but when wearing shoes (read: boat shoes), they refuse to have ANY part of their sock showing. Also, if you see a bro rocking the most out of control, ugly-ass facial hair you have ever seen, paired with hair that makes you both nauseated and weirdly jealous at the same time, chances are he's a lax bro.
Located: I swear to fucking god, I only see lax bros either at Sawyer or at a nasty Meadow party. I rarely see them walking to class. They're never in Paresky or Goodrich or Tunnel City. Apparently they all get their food from some mysterious source, because they're never in any dining halls. I dunno, maybe they play down their broishness when they aren't raging together, but that doesn't explain why I always spot half of the god damn team in the library every time I'm in there. I guess since they all were accepted to play lacrosse (or because they're fifth generation legacy or something ridiculous) they have to spend every waking moment that they aren't drinking or playing N64 in the library studying like it's finals period.
Pick-up Strategy: Before I even start with this category, let me preemptively shut all of you annoying commenters up who are going to tell me that I'm way too fat and/or ugly and/or annoying to know anything about pick-up strategies first hand. You're wrong; I do. Remember? Williams is working on the binary system... most girls here have seen the game y'all are trying to spit at us (and we're severely unimpressed). So anyway, here is a quick lax-bro pick-up guide: 1) fervently assert that you aren't like all of the other "lax bros"
2) say something endearing and relatively earnest sounding, but don't worry, it can be complete bullshit ("You seem like a girl I can just really be myself around" or "I love that you don't wear a ton of makeup because you're so gorgeous without it anyway")
3) politely invite her back to your room to continue your discussion about whatever she's been rambling on about for the last 25 minutes ("No pressure! I just wanna get out of here and I love talking to you so much")
4) bang her. (condom optional)
5) make up some excuse of why you need her to go back to her room ("I have practice tomorrow morning!" or "You can stay if you really want but I'm just going to sleep right now")
6) text all your bros about it (all. of. them.)
7) never make eye contact with her again
The Avid Sports Fan Bro
Wears: Official gear of the
. Always. It's either a hat (flat-brimmed for special occasions, carefully worn brim for the everyday, almost constantly backwards), a jersey, jacket, sweatpants, or fucking big-ass tattoo on their forehead. If you meet a bro, only get to talk to him for 2 or 3 minutes, and are left wondering which sports team he supports, then he is not an avid sports fan bro (fan bro, for short). Extra points if his jersey is vintage, and negative points if it's a customized jersey with his name instead of an actual players.
Located: '82 grill. With their other bros, of course. And lucky for them, there's no service down there so they have a legitimate excuse to not answer any texts from the 'clingy bitches' they 'hook up with' (aka any female who texts them at all). Also, Subway. They're there at the most random fucking times, too. Like, 3:15 on a Wednesday dude, what are you doing? Gettin' a god damn Italian BMT footlong because even though I idolize athletes, I am a fat lazy fuck who is probably really hungover and just getting out of bed.
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| If you can name this sub from just looking at the picture, you're probably a fan bro. If you just realized that you're drooling like one of Pavlov's dogs, you should probably cut down on the Subway, bro. |
Pick-Up Strategy: This one was tricky to hit on the head, but I think I got it. The trick was realizing that a lot of fan bros are perfectly content to just bro out with their other bro-y bros, and can be pretty picky about the girls they hook up with. Instead of a pick-up strategy, with these guys it's more of a test. They'll probably casually bring up their team/sport of choice in a conversation with you. If you show any interest in or understanding of their sport then watch the fuck out. The next 20 minutes are going to feel like a round of Trivial Pursuit from hell. But instead of winning little multi-colored plastic cheese wedges (god, I fucking love Trivial Pursuit), if you answer all of his tricky backhanded questions about current players on the team, w/l record, draft pick number, or whatever the fuck fan bros care about, you open the god damn flood gates of all the other random shit he's interested in which he will probably also secretly quiz you about until he's decided you've passed his test and can have forgettable sex in his room/shrine to his team. Unlike the lax bro, this bro will probably be so excited that he's found a girl that he can talk to about his homer love of the
_ team that he'll cling to you like socks fresh out of the dryer. Don't worry if you support his rival team; most of the fan bros I've met weirdly get off on that shit. Meanwhile, I even
think about hooking up with a Yankees fan and I feel like fucking Robert Hanssen (don't get that reference? Try Google, idiot).
Boarder Bro (Brah)
Wears: Shorts. This doesn't seem like a defining feature at first, but think about it. You see some idiot kid walking to Griffin for his 9:55 AM class in shorts... and it's February? He's gotta be a boarder brah. Does he drive a Jeep? Say the word "stoked"? Own more Ray Bans and Costa Del Mars than any person ever should? This dude either surfs or snowboards. Maybe both. Check his Facebook, 90% of his pictures will be of him on some kind of board. These are the guys who correct you when you call his longboard a skateboard, and will talk for hours about his new trucks. All the surfers are interested in is catching the perfect wave, and the boarders are pretty much just stoned 24/7. This Brah's GPA is probably close to 2.1, and his resume lists interests like "Man V. Wild" and "chilling." The only place he's probably going to end up is either a ski resort or some beachy town in Mexico where the waves are killer, but so are the neighbors.
Located: Tunnel City. These bros are so utterly unconcerned with image that they don't give a shit if you spot them reading their large-font poetry book while sipping a cappuccino. They're also outside any time it's above 55 degrees. Usually shirtless. Almost always on some kind of board. If not, they're standing on a railing or picnic table bench pretending they're on some kind of board. There's a couple of these specimens on WUFO, so if you see a bunch of guys casually tossing a 'disc' in some quad, chances are they could be board brahs.
Pick-Up Strategy: These mother fuckers don't even have one. And the thing that sucks about it is these guys might be the hottest of the bro-brunch at Williams. Of course, that's just my opinion, there are plenty of laxtitutes here, and I know girls who will jersey chase at any cost, but in general the laid back demeanor of the board brah just makes him so fucking desirable. Maybe it's because he doesn't chase after anyone, or because his dream is to live on a beach (sigh, so carefree and tan), but there is something so elusively sexy about these guys. If you act too into it, you aren't 'chill' and therefore he won't hook up with you. If you ignore him or play hard to get, then it 'just wasn't meant to be.' You just have to be lucky, I guess. Or around him when he's stoned, which is pretty much always. Downside of this whole brah hook up thing is that instead of thinking about you when you're naked in bed together, he's probably thinking up the perfect wave or getting a stiffy imagining 12 fresh inches of pow-pow. Good luck trying to be with one of these guys, you will always be #2 after their preferred board sport. Or, any action sport, really. Or weed.
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| Put some ice on it. After that, there's nothing a few beers won't take care of. |
Obviously, this is only a brief, skimming the surface examination of broness. There are many more kinds of bros than I listed, and bros can definitely fall into more than one category. You might be thinking I've left out some key revelations when it comes to spotting a bro, and that was on purpose. There are some things that are the same no matter what kind of bro you are.
If you are a bro, then:
- you are white. Sorry, not being racist here. Just saying. There's a couple of Asian bros, but mostly bro is a caucasian phenomenon.
- you like 'black' things. Sorry, this is a little racist. But just stuff like freestyling randomly or enjoying really fucking obscure dirty rappers. Or funny fist pump half hug greetings.
- you drink until you black out.
- you fucking live to black out- tipsy is not good enough. If you're going out with your bros, you're aiming for pure domination.
- you still think icing other bros is funny.
- you like kegs.
- you own multiple pinnys. Pennys. Whatever, I can see all of your armpit hair and sometimes your nipples and I think they're weird. They're just fucking tank tops, embrace it.
- 100% of your facebook pictures are of you with other bros, probably in some kind of homo-erotic pose, shirtless, drinking, or all three.
- you quote movies more than you think up your own things to say. You've probably jizzed your pants over the number of times I quoted the Big Lebowski during this post, or even Dazed and Confused (if you were sly enough to pick that one out).
- even more than drinking or going out, you love to tell stories about when you drank and went out, how much you drank when you went out, and what happened when you drank and went out (if cops are included in the story, bonus points).
- you also love to tell stories about working out more than actually going to the gym to work out.
- you pretend to get a lot more pussy than you actually do (I feel ok saying pussy here because I know zero gay bros at Williams. Zero.)
- you have peed in a toilet about twice the entire time you've been on campus.
- you play poker.
- you own American themed clothing and genuinely love it.
- you're so obsessed with your bros you don't mind emulating them in every way possible:
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| They tots mcgoats coordinated. Super cute. |
I am sure I am missing a zillion things from this list, and I will definitely revisit the subject, but to be honest I haven't written a post in a while and I'm really fucking out of shape. Like, I'm exhausted. Doesn't help that it's 3 AM.
By the way, random question for all of my black readers (I have to have at least one or two of you, right?): I keep seeing promotional shit for Nappy Roots this Sunday... I'm afraid to RSVP to the event or ever mention it because... well, will that make me racist???? I just don't know.
Okay, enjoy the post. It's a little overdue, but you can deal with it. Like any of you have turned in every assignment you've done on time.
You know the drill.
Email me. Follow me on
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WSO... or submit something to the New York Times about me. No biggie, whatever.
Yours in brotastic bitchery,
Pandora
