Your Plans for Reading Period... Change them.

Okay, okay, it's alright, you can stop crying, I'm happy to be back, too.

I really just want to get right into things, and although I'm sure you all want some sort of explanation of my absence for the last couple of months, I'm not sure it would be fair for me to discuss how I spent my time off from blogging waking up at around 11, drinking heavily spiked Arnold Palmers, and getting a ferocious sun tan while you all worked in Sawyer until the nerd bell chimed, clicking the refresh button on my blog and quietly sobbing to yourself about how meaningless your life has become.

So! The sun is shining! Christmas Break is upon us! No snow has accumulated to hinder your trek to Griffin at 8:30 in the morning, you miserable saps. Rite Aid is absolutely stocked with all of the amphetamine-related study drugs you could ever need! So what could I possibly have to complain about? And I'm not taking the easy route here... we all know that finals suck. But you know what else sucks? All of our parties fucking SUUUUCK. All. Of. Them.

When are the chicks getting here, and how have we already run out of beer?

If I have any freshmen reading this blog right now who are thinking to themselves, 'pfft please, I have a great time at all these Williams partaays!' -- I am sorry to disillusion you. The parties you have been going to are not actually good parties (although I'm sure they're better than whatever high school shit it is you were used to). Unfortunately, the only fun that was had on campus since this semester started happened while you were all orient-ing either in the woods or walking over bridges or whatever the hell there is to do besides WOOLF. Those, and the ones that happened when you were blackout in your entry during Homecoming. But generally, once classes have started, day drinking is suddenly discouraged, and the only sanctioned party nights are Friday and Saturday. And even then, half of your friends are gonna be all, "ooh I totally want to go out tonight but I might be getting sick or something and also I have a lot of work and I should be getting up early because I am a huge saggy pussy." The other half will rip eight shots at once and go to the ER.

Oh, now I'm nostalgic for freshmen year... those late nights in Mission, thinking I was smarter than my classmates and cooler than the upperclassmen at Meadow. Learn from my mistakes! You are NOT smarter than your classmates, and when you pretend you are you just look dumber. And you are DEFINITELY not more welcome at any given party than an upperclassmen, and when you pretend you belong there people just make fun of you behind your back. Or to your face. I digress.

There are six major categories of parties at Williams. As you all should know by now, I love lists, so I will list these out for you, along with pros, cons, and what to expect at each kind of party along with a brief description. What? I just want to be helpful! Also I get extra credit for going above and beyond. A+, me!


KEGGER


Pros:

• If you want to get drunk, this is the party you know you can get to blackout level
  
• Guaranteed to see plenty of new faces!
• Normally so loud, you don't need to think of anything interesting to say
• Slutty dress is expected, even during the deep freeze of Williamstown winter
• Hookup probability: high
• See new places on campus!
• You can be the life of the party and do a keg stand
• People watching at its prime

Cons:

• If you show up past 11, the keg will probably be finished
• Guaranteed to run into that bad one night stand you never wanted to see again and whose texts you've been ignoring!
• Normally so loud, you misinterpret that guy from your chemistry class and make an asshole out of yourself (he said "wanna go upstairs" not "we do our labs in pairs")
• It's always fucking sweaty and smelly and hot and all your makeup will run down your face
• STD probability: high
• See the grossest places on campus!
• Do a keg stand and chip your tooth then immediately puke on the people holding you up!
• Watching people make horrible life decisions... like a slow-motion train wreck (sometimes a pro)

"Hey, I hear [insert off-campus housing or co-op here] has a keg..." DO NOT LET THESE WORDS FOOL YOU. Just because there is a keg does not mean there is going to be a lot of beer/any fun at all. Most often, the people who buy the keg will get it around six and start drinking then, along with their closest 20 or so friends. So, odds are, by the time you get to their party (think midnight or later) the beer will be gone, the upperclassmen will be blackout, and you will be standing ankle deep in beer and other bodily fluids. Never take your shoes off at a kegger. Never use the restroom on the ground floor. Don't drink the punch/whatever is in that bottle being passed around. Never go into the fridge. Oh, and hold on to your cup like your life depends on it.

If you are drunk enough to attempt a Gargoyle, do not attempt a Gargoyle. ESPECIALLY without a couple extra pairs of hands to hold up the keg/you. You will most probably either break your face or twist your ankle. Don't say I didn't warn you.

CLUB/ORGANIZATION EVENT


Pros:

• You know who to expect
• Probably enough drinks to go around
• Opportunity to play some kind of a drinking game
• Become super bestie best friends with that person you talked to that one time
• Wear whatever
• Become familiar with certain group-y terms and feel cool (i.e.: BP, FRR, ditto, tennis tuesdays, dizzy bat, 3 man, tron dance)
• Build a routine (every ___day I go to ____ and drink a box/bottle/can/bucket/trophy of ______)

Cons:

• Always the same people, and somehow only the annoying ones are staples at these events
• Drinks are often very specific and gross (Colt45 and Guinness? Mixed together? Hellooo vomit.)
  
• Drinking games = blacking out quickly, as well as a high probability of rage/broken property/broken body parts/regretful texts
  
• Give your number to everyone then get a bunch of random texts you don't recognize and never reply to and feel like a total asshole when you later ask for someone's number and realize they've already given it to you. AND you've been ignoring their texts.
  
• Always feel either overdressed or underdressed
• Become labeled as part of a 'cult'
• Build a routine of never going to class/doing your homework on the nights your organization has certain events

I wasn't really sure what to call this kind of a party, but we have all inevitably been to one. These are the parties hosted by club/IM sports (no, I do not know the difference aaaand no, I do not care) like WUFO, rugby, or water polo. They can be hosted by a club, like an a capella group, theater group, dance group, or some other student-run organization. If NBC hosts a party like this, you will probably be welcome to join, you'll just feel like an inadequate dancer and spend the whole party with a cocked head trying to figure out the physics of a single-cheek booty shake. If you go to WUFO's BP on Fridays, you will have plenty to drink, but will awkwardly stand around while people play strange and impossible frisbee games. If you go to Ditto, you will puke. These parties can be fun if you're a member of said club (unless too many non-members show up), or if you know enough members to not feel like the dweeby corner kid who keeps sneakily grabbing beers from the open 30 in the middle of the room. Either you're gonna be there for like fifteen minutes before you decide to bounce, or it will consume your entire night.


PREGAME-CUM-PARTY


Pros:

• Guaranteed booze
• Don't need to get dressed/made up for (this is mainly a pro for girls, or boys who like to wear makeup... I'm not judging)
• You can be a music nazi (you all know what I'm talking about... the dude hovering over the iPod waiting to switch to his next selection and NO YOU CANNOT CHOOSE THE NEXT SONG)
• Just your friends
• Starts early enough in the night to guarantee a strong buzz by 10:30  

Cons:

• Have to pay for all the booze. Say goodbye to sixty bucks because I guarantee no one will 'throw you a couple bucks' to 'cover for libations'
• When your friend invites your friend's friends, and then he invites all of his friends, you suddenly are in a hosting position where you might not have enough alcohol for everyone, and you definitely aren't dressed sexy enough to see that guy from last weekend again
• Music nazis fucking suck unless you are the music nazi, which you won't be
• Everyone trashes your common room, pukes in your trashcans, and invites themselves to sleep over on your couch. Oh, and your parents are coming tomorrow morning, awesome.
• You had plans to go out and be social before thirty kids showed up at your door demanding some entertainment
  
• Scramble to get balls and cups/more beer
  

Uh, no, I do not mean a pregame-cum party. And I don't mean a pregame cum-party. Those are both con-free, I would assume. I mean, of course, that awesome pregame that you plan for like two weeks with your besties with only your favorite drinks and a playlist burned by the Tuesday before the pregame even happens. That pregame that, inevitably, is so freaking awesome no one wants to leave to move on to the 'game,' so instead they text everyone they would normally see out to congregate at your pregame. At first, it's just a couple of people, and that's cool and everything, but then suddenly people you don't even recognize are showing up and drinking your appletinis without even asking! The bastards. And you can't leave because they're IN YOUR FUCKING ROOM. LEAVING CUP MARKS EVERYWHERE. EYEING YOUR CLOSET. Can you tell I harbor some resentment for these? I've hosted a couple of these monstrosities myself. Not a fan. And I feel super awkward if I go to one, like, I can tell I wasn't really wanted here, but I'm here anyway because... hey! That's where everyone else is.




WILLIAMS SPONSORED EVENT


Pros:

• Loud music + lights off = MAJOR grind sesh
• Libations galore!
  
• See tons and tons and tons of people you know
• Score an easy hookup
• Be an outrageously bad dancer without any apparent judgment
• Sometimes famous people come and play music

Cons:

• Loud music + lights off = MAJOR regretful decisions
• You need a bracelet to score libations, and chances are if you're at a Williams sponsored event, you aren't 21. Good luck sweet talking your way to getting one... it can be tricky tricky
  
• See tons and tons and tons of people you know and don't want to see at all/have been avoiding for months
  
• Score a disgustingly drunk and messy hookup
• Be an outrageously bad dancer with plenty of judgment to go around
• Sometimes, ACE will attempt to pick a group to perform for us, but that's only about twice a year and they consistently suck with very few exceptions

First Fridays is only fun when you're a Freshman. After that, only First First Fridays really has the same appeal to upperclassmen. Queerbash is gone (fuck whoever decided that... honestly the best party of the year). Themed Goodrich parties are sometimes ok, but no one comes dressed in theme because they want to be able to go to other parties and not look dumb, ok? Oh, and the concert picks are awful. Like, really? I see some of the people who go to Middlebury, Amherst, and Tufts and I want to die. How did we end up with Gym Class Heroes and Mike Posner? Did you know that back in the day they had artists like Afroman, Guster, and Gunther (whose show was so legendary that it literally broke Goodrich's stage). WTF, guys? HOW DID WE GET STUCK WITH POSNER? Disgraceful.

Who's male? Who's female? THAT'S the beauty of QueerBash. BRING IT BACK! THE YOUNGER GENERATIONS DESERVE TO EXPERIENCE IT!

But what sucks most of all about all parties at Williams? I have found after careful and extensive research* that there are three factors missing from Eph-paloozas, without which we cannot hope to thrive in a successful party atmosphere. I can only hope that once I arm you all with the knowledge of what is broken in our system, you can break the cycle of suckyparty blindness and we can heal as a community. And then rage as one, too.

1. Stay at parties more than twenty minutes.

Seriously guys. I'm seriously. I know that when you first show up to that Spencer dance party at 11 absolutely no one is there and no one is dancing and ohmygod it's sooo lame but hold your horses! This is where a nasty cycle can be identified. X is hosting a dance party in Spencer. They bought ten 30s and have stashed them strategically throughout the building so even if security rolls through they won't be broken up. They text Y,Z,P,Q, and all the other letters of the alphabet telling them that they should come. They all asks X 'who's there? iz it funnn?' to which X of course has to lie and say it's bumping, otherwise none of them will come and they won't tell their friends to come and then X's party will be ruined. So X lies, and Y shows up first with three people. No one else is there so they quickly leave. Which is right when P shows up with five people, sees that no one is there, and then leaves. See where I'm going here? Meanwhile, they're all texting all their friends 'jk spencer sux goin to goodrich' while everyone who was first going to Goodrich is texting everyone they know 'omg no1s here, where is good?' Just MAN UP and stick it out! Parties die for only two reasons: either they run out of booze, or people leave on a hunch that maybe another party could be cool, too, and then suddenly what could be a super sweet dance party is a mostly empty room with four drunk freshmen girls dancing in a circle in the middle.


2. Stop making excuses to not party.
So what it's fucking Tuesday? Tuesdays can be fun! How about before dinner you put all the effort into your homework that you were going to put into your homework after dinner. Get your shit done before 10 and suddenly Tuesday is a totally viable night to rage. Maybe not blackout-rage, because some people have class or whatever the next day, but you make your own excuses. If you think you have a hundred reasons not to go out on Wednesday, you probably have three thousand reasons you should go out that you're just ignoring. Sometimes, it's okay to take the night off from being the ideal Williams student and let loose, just a little bit.


3. Don't be afraid to have fun.
Go all out for theme parties... if everyone does, then you won't look like an asshole, you'll look cool and creative. If there's music on, dance! Or, in some cases, nod your head to the music because you're an awful dancer. Take stupid pictures, and make an asshole out of yourself with your friends. Laugh hard, and never refuse a free drink. And, above all else, remember: Never Apologize for Partying.


Homecoming, camp Williams, Senior Week, Keg Races, and Roasts/Boils are all exceptions to the otherwise pervasive suckiness of Williams parties. So, if you can, I would highly suggest attending all of these events. Otherwise, how about you put some of strategies I've provided you with into practice this weekend (yes, I know it's reading period. Try to take at least one night to relieve yourself temporarily of the overwhelming stress of finals). I'll be watching... I have high hopes for you fuckers.


JK, I don't. We're too smart to party hard.


Please prove me wrong,
Pandora

p.s. email me, tweet me, whatever. Oh, and have you noticed? I've been posting on In The 'Cac for a while now. Cheggit out.

p.p.s. I promise I won't leave for so long ever again.


*no sources cited/absolutely no research done while sober